Tuesday, October 27, 2009

There are times when I would like and/or think I need a boyfriend.

Yes that is Alexis Bledel as Rosie the Riveter

These times are not when you think they would be. Ok yes they are (on occasion), but more often they are times when I don't expect them to hit me.

Example? Tonight!

I get home around 7:15 and walk my dogs, I don't live in the best hood, and yes it was dark, but I have big dog and wasn't scared. Then I pack, cook myself dinner and have a glass of wine at my table with my book (nope still don't want one yet). I am so excited for my trip. . . girl time will be great! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
I then clean up and do some dishes, feeling accomplished I pour myself another glass of wine. That was when the damn light in my kitchen went out! CRAPOLA! I have never changed it before and it is one of those damn complicated businesses with the florescent light thingys! I can't reach this shit with my stool so I have to get up on the counter GAWD! The bolts are impossible to unscrew and so I have to get down and grab a wrench. I get them off and then have to hold the cover and the bolts and the extra piece and I think if only I had someone to hand this stupid cover to . . . nope so I drop it and get the bulb out. Get off the counter put down the bulb and climb back up on the counter and put the whole contraption back together. YES I DID IT! Fuck men who needs em!

WOOHOO I sit down on the couch feeling like I rule and then I see my nails... tragedy! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

If only I had a stupid boyfriend to do this shit for me then my nails would not be all messed right now. FML

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Yes pretty much I'm just going to use this as a vehicle to talk about Stuff I Want

Okay STOP THE PRESSES and nevermind on the shiny ones because I have found something even more glorious and Sarah-related:


You may not know this about me, AC2, but I am completely enamored of all things pumpkin-flavored. It is even written on my whiteboard at work that you can find me from the hours of 9:30-3:30 Monday through Friday or "anywhere pumpkin-flavored things may be". Trufax you guys

Obviously I would not try to eat these shoes (I imagine they would taste slightly worse than wax fruit) but oh HOW I WOULD WEAR THEM. I think they'd look absurdly fetching with my lavender trench-coat from Great Coats.

I was teased mercilessly by the universe today as I discovered the existence of this color when my dear office bestie emailed me a fantastical sale- 40% off*!!!- but all that was left was size 5. Alas, my feet might be somewhat small for my Amazonian height, but not quite that freakish.

Therefore Readers Dear, if ever you so happen upon these magnificent rain boots at discounted price do be kind enough to contact me about it. I would weep with joy and model them for you, possibly even standing next to pumpkins/frolicking through a field of fallen leaves.


*They are $115USD normally, so 40% off would have put me at a more bearable $69. I've seen them on British websites for £60 which is about $99, but I'm guessing international shipping charges would rape me whether or not they're affected by the Royal Mail strike business. (Hey look at that Twitter keeps me up to date on foreign events!)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A Brief Introduction to Insanity

I would like to announce- before any formal joint-cousin-blogging is done- that The Aquatic Cousins did manage more or less successfully to take Dallas and survive OU weekend, despite such unsavory hurdles as being located in enemy territory.

But more on that later.

Right now I just want to show you what you should most definitely purchase for me, Aquatic Cousin 2, if you felt like getting me a Christmas present:


Yes, those are traditional wellies, much like the awesometastic ones owned by AC1. I did purchase those amazing camo hunting boots from Academy not long ago, as you may remember, but though my office does allow cat piano shirts, I can't say I could accesorize hunting boots with business casual wear every time it rains.

Thus: shiny wellies are on my horizon. I also like the gold. I'd even be okay with purple or bright yellow.

You know, just thought I'd share. Since you didn't get me anything for my birthday. *sniff sniff* But really, that's okay. Maybe we're not yet to that stage in our relationship, Dear Readers. I understand. I can wait.


Friday, October 16, 2009

Aquatic Cousins Take on FASHION!


Okay not really because there's no such thing but there SHOULD BE and let me tell you- the Aquatic Cousins would be sitting in the front row, wearing things more awesome than the Olsen twins ever thought to imagine in their bobble heads.


Cat Piano shirts are all the rage at The Workplace of AC2, I can assure you.

Yes I definitely wore that to work yesterday and received rave reviews, which tells you how awesome my place of work is. The CEO of course chose the day I was wearing a cat piano shirt to come by my desk. He complimented how I dressed it up so nicely with a blazer; what can I say we have a rapport since his daughter and I share a love of unicorns.

Now, the world might not be ready for this next piece, as rocked by AC1 in a way that no one else ever quite could- but we have confidence and faith in you, Dear Reader.

No she did not skin a muppet for this fine and winning piece.

Your eyes do not deceive you, Reader Dear- that is, in fact, an orange fur vest. And you are, in fact, as horrifyingly jealous that you do not own such a thing as I am, I guarantee it. Even if you don't know it. Search deeply in your soul for the truth. You want it. You want it to wear with my cat piano shirt. But that will never happen because you are not an Aquatic Cousin. Search for your own destiny in life.

Yes I've had too much sugar and caffeine. Let's hope I hold out until our Dallas departure this evening. In the meantime, I must needs go see a communist in his cubicle about some Workplace Things. (No really, that's how he referred to himself in the email.)



Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Paid for by the Committee for Jack-o-lanterns for Jesus

The Aquatic Cousins typically disregard email forwards you guys- unless to laugh at the comparisons of people to pumpkins that god has 'carved out with his light' etc- but this one is important. Please read & share with those fine ladies you care about!


Important Women's Health Notice:

Please..Please forward this to all the women you care about, or at least
tell them about it. It could save a life....

With Fall already upon us and as Winter approaches. . .an important Women's Health Issue Notice

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? *
Do you suffer from shyness? *
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas. Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.


AC1 and AC2 just want you to be healthy, wealthy and wise. Brought to you by Jazzy-J and the committee of Jack-o-lanterns for Jesus.


ETA: October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month! Feel up someone you know and love. It just might save their life.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The end of SILENCE!!!!

Wow ok so which Aquatic Cousin has been slacking? ME! I doubt anyone except AC2 and I have noticed, but in the case that someone else out there did: my deepest apologies!

We have had too many recent adventures to count. . . Since we have both been working all week long, we have been trying to cram as much fun as possible into the weekends. This leads to two things. . . . a very long Monday and muddy boots.

ACL was amazing! Umbrella Cousin joined me Friday for some Sweet John Legend action I also got to see my very good friend Phil. . . HAHAHAHA. AC2 came Saturday and Sunday for mud fest 2009. I got the best of both worlds! Sooo many of my friends were there and yet it was such a clusterfuck I barely saw any of them! Sarah did get some SWEEEET new boots tho! Mine are still sitting on the balcony covered in mud. What do I plan to do about it? Nothing.

LongHORN Football is also amazing. This past Saturday was super fun! Elisabeth (not a cousin) and I went to the game and also hung out with Esteban and the bunch.
Anyway Lis and I decided to pour vodka into cans of diet Rockstar. . . . HUNG OVER doesn't even cover it! But alas I can only blame myself! Crap my iPhone won't sync. Damn phone drama!
I- due to the pleading of Esteban- hung out with him and his girlfriend Dani at their apartment after the game. Yes, yes I know what the hell was I doing hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend? I have not the foggiest! It was odd and I don't believe she was all too pleased by my presence or the fact that Steve and I kept taking walks down memory lane. It all looks the same! So weird to be removed from something and then see it again! I guess just because we broke up doesn't mean he got rid of all his stuff, but really it all looks the same!

This weekend is TEXAS vs. OU! Yaaaay Aquatic Cousins go to DALLAS! First I have to make it through my work week. I basically work for the female version of Jeff Lewis. I play the role of Jenny. Today I started doing voices. I think she liked Vlad best. Unlike Bernard*, Vlad is not a molester. I think Vlad is gay, or a cross dresser he talks about martini's and his nails a whole lot. "OOOH myy GAAAAWD nails soooo chiiippd! I go to salon now Mrs. Shelley?" Vlad can make Shelley laugh in a way I can't, because he can say things I could never get away with. Vlad can become invaluable and by association I can too; job security is important in this economy.

Scrappy is scaring Moose and honestly me. He is running all over chasing a phantom house fly. Moose just got so scared he jumped into my lap. He did not spill my beer tho so I didn't really yell at him too much. Now I am punishing him by using him as a foot stool. I am such a good disciplinarian! No really I told Maynard I wouldn't make Moo do anything he
didn't want to.
Feel yourself and your friends up this month and celebrate breast
cancer awareness! You could have some fun and even save a life!


ETA by AC2: *Bernard is a scary, scary voice I created at the age of 12
or so and used it to creep out both AC1 and my bestie Rebecca. I
believe Bernard is even creepier than Mitch, The Christmas Troll.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Old Gregg was there in his tutu and canoe somewhere, probably

The Aquatic Cousins got a chance to flex their semi-aquatic muscles this past weekend, at the Austin City Limits (ACL) music festival, thanks to some torrential down-pouring of rain. This turned poor lovely Zilker park into a mudpit and made the people who put down the sod several months ago that had it so beautiful and shining mere days before most likely cry with tears of intense sadness. But those tears were probably washed away in the rain and added to the mud, so it doesn't much matter anyway.

I'm really glad I'm not one of those guys. Hey, look at me- I'm sensitive.

Friday I did not attend the festival but AC1 and Umbrella Dancing Cousin did, enjoying the lovely weather and beautiful grass before monsoon season came upon us Saturday. Umbrella Dancing Cousin, however, missed out on this waterpark-with-a-soundtrack as she decided to return to Ft. Worth and I benefited heartily by making sure her wristband wasn't lonely and got to return to the festival through Sunday. (Pictured above with AC1 and AC2 is not Umbrella Dancing, cousin; that is Blanket Cousin. She has been so named because a throw blanket was her choice of rain gear.)

Having lived in the great city of Austin for the past five years you may be surprised, Dear Reader, to discover that this was my first foray into ACL- and enjoy it I did! Giant beers for the drinking, veggie burgers for the non-cow eating, port-a-potties for everyone, amazing judging looks from hipsters in hippie headbands aimed uncomfortably at you for several minutes as they pass you by! It's all magical. Even in the rain.

Observe: AC2 happily in a semi-aquatic, musical environment

In anticipation of the ground Sunday, the Aquatic Cousins went on a bit of a mad shopping dash to every store that might have ever thought about stocking rain boots or ponchos in the history of ever- only to find all of them sold out. ALL OF THEM. SOLD OUT. Finally we resorted to Academy- lo and behold!. . .they had giant camo man boots. BUT! They also had camo hunting boots and matching umbrella accessories. You bet your cushy ass I bought them both. Behold, the glory:

You can see that AC1 owns actual galoshes. My hunting boots are MOLD PROOF! and lasted the day out nicely, gathering roughly 1/3 of Zilker onto themselves which was more recently washed down my shower drain and into the plumbing system of my apartment building.

AC1 will have more to add about our adventures I am certain, as well as pictures of the sexy outfits we wore around the park. Imagine our mad dancing to Raveonettes (well, we were busy drinking our first 24oz beers at that point, so we were dancing only in our heads really) and Girl Talk dressed up so.

Naturally we were also inspired to start our own band (a highly unique enterprise in Austin, may I assure you) and happily my friend Elizabetsy can play not only the piano and the flute, but also the accordion. She is so in our band.