Tuesday, July 27, 2010

You'll find him in the Elderly Dutch chatroom

From the Internets of Moloch, which he owns.

If the Aquatic Cousins ever take an Aquatic Vacay together, it will probably look something like this:

Sourced from the original home of the LOLcats, in case you have been living somewhere very remote and were unaware that cats powered the Internet and Moloch owns it.

He only wants your love. Also, somewhere in New Orleans a twenty-five year old man named Michael is buying a Hand Grenade. Good for him.


Friday, July 23, 2010

To get us through a very sad time

From the desk of AC1, Manda.

To Barton Von Maynard aka Moose, a very dignified and beloved dog:

SILVERDENE EMBLEM O'NEILL, Dalmatian dog, died 1940

Last Will: The great American dramatist Eugene O'Neill wrote this last will and testament to comfort his wife after the death of the family pet, a beautiful dalmatian. It read: "I, Silverdene Emblem O'Neill (familiarly known to my family, friends and acquaintances as Blemie) ... do hereby bury my last will and testament in the mind of my master.... I have little in the way of material things to leave. Dogs are wiser than men. They do not set great store upon things. They do not waste their days hoarding property. They do not ruin their sleep worrying about how to keep the objects they have, and to obtain the objects they have not. There is nothing of value I have to bequeath except my love and faith.

"These I leave to all those who loved me, to my Master and Mistress, who I know will mourn me most....Perhaps it is vain of me to boast when I am so near death, which returns all beasts and vanities to dust, but I have always been an extremely lovable dog.

"I ask my Master and Mistress to remember me always, but not to grieve for me too long. In my life I have tried to be a comfort in time of sorrow, and a reason for added joy in their happiness. It is painful for me to think that even in death I should cause them pain....It is time I said good-bye, too sick a burden on myself and on those who love me. It will be a sorrow to leave them, but not a sorrow to die....

"One last request I earnestly make. I have heard my Mistress say, 'When Blemie dies we must never have another dog. I love him so much I could never love another one.' Now I would ask her, for love of me, to have another. It would be a poor tribute to my memory never to have a dog again....

"So I suggest a dalmatian as my successor. He can hardly be as well bred or as well mannered or as distinguished and handsome as I was in my prime. My Master and Mistress must not ask the impossible.... To him I bequeath my collar and leash and my overcoat and raincoat, made to order in 1929 at Hermes in Paris....I am sure he will do his utmost not to appear a mere gauche provincial dog....

"One last word of farewell, Dear Master and Mistress. Whenever you visit my grave, say to yourselves with regret but also with happiness in your hearts at the remembrance of my long happy life with you: 'Here lies one who loved us and whom we loved.' No matter how deep my sleep I shall hear you, and not all the power of death can keep my spirit from wagging a grateful tail."


Satan Cat probably is capable of doing that to my tire WITH THE EVIL IN HER SOUL.

From the desk of AC2, Sparker.

Today I had a pretty nasty blowout on my way to work; while driving, my cap-less water bottle fell over and started adding a river of water to the interior of my beloved Lafayette (yes, I named my car after a fictional gay man on True Blood) and while reaching over to grab it, I gave the curb a. . .love tap. The curb is apparently not into loving relationships, but rather S&M or perhaps downright abuse.

I'm going with the latter, because the blowout forced my car to slam into the curb a second time, at which point I watched a tiny, silver sliver of something fly into the air as my car wobbled to a sad stop.

That silver sliver, it turns out, was a chunk of my wheel.

When I do a thing, I like to do it right.

That's when I realized I probably should have given in to my first instinct this morning and just never gotten out of bed. Fortunately thanks to the kind efforts of the Chevron Travel Club, the people of Discount Tire company and a credit line from American Express, my car now has a shiny new shoe. I just have to go to the dealer tomorrow morning to make sure I didn't knock it out of alignment. Which. . .seems pretty damn likely.

I sent my mother the following picture to explain what happened:

That is what really happened to my tire.

For some reason she hasn't responded to me yet.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

GETTIN' down on some home improvement and SH*T

From the desk of AC1, Mandapants.

For some reason I decided that I should spend my last $50.00 today at the Home Depot! Home Depot you ask? Why yes the good ole Hooome Deeeps! So I ventured over to my local Home Deeps near St. Edwards University and began a quest for home makeover liberation!

When I pulled up there were like 600 some odd Mexican (I assume they were Mexican because I am a racist. .for all I know they could have been Columbians or Ecuadorians whatever) men outside looking for work. Hey more power to ya dudes but I got this situation on lock down! Let me at that paint section bitch! So I strolled on in there like I owned that Home Deeps clad in hot pink shorts and matching headband with my Gucci thrown over my shoulder all casual-like ( I couldn't let on to any of those plumber types that I ain't a professional) and I headed straight over to the section marked PAINT.

I had a clue as to the color I was lookin' fer so I went over to the Behr section (I've heard its the best) and began to peruse the selection. WOW so many options! OOh PINK! ! Oooooh! Oooooh! FOCUS Amanda FOCUS! You are not here to buy pink paint you are here for some shade of white (preferable a bluish white with a name suggesting of something that pairs well with Vodka.. i.e ice cube or glacier). Then like the magical home improvement fairy herself had blessed me I found it! The perfect crisp bluish white color and it is named CLUB SODA! Can you believe that?! Club Soda! Thank you home improvement fairy I shall never forget this!

After doing a dance and a cheer (very discretely, mind you) I sashayed over to the counter and ordered up a gallon of Club Soda in high gloss. The man looked at me very seriously and asked me to hand over the color card (whoops) then he looked up again with a most confused expression on his face and said "High gloss? Are you sure?" Yes? I replied meekly. Was high gloss bad? I thought its shiny finish would look great with my table? Who does he think he is?! I know what I want! GIMME MY HIGH GLOSS CLUB SODA!!! Who does he think I am? Just some idiot girl who hasn't a clue what she is doing *cough*? He instructed me that it would be about 10 minutes so I went hunting for supplies. . obviously I would need a brush right? Yeah and some TAPE! Yeah some plastic to cover the floor and a tray! Yeaaah I got this! By the time I wandered all over gathering these things and accidentally crossed into the plumbing section my paint was ready! Woot! I checked out leaving the Home Deeps and all the Mexicans behind in a cloud of Tonka truck dust headed home to the BDH!

So I may not have a clue what I am doing. . . but so far so good! I remembered to tape the part I didn't want to paint and sanded the legs... two coats later it is lookin' like a white table! A very special white table painted in the perfect shade of CLUB SODA! WHAT?! YEAAAA!


My birthday is in two months, you guys.


See more on these adorable monsters at ZooBorns.

Probably the only kitten I could get that would give Satan Cat a run for her money. Because cats have money. I have to go.


Monday, July 19, 2010

You musn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

From the desk of AC2, Sparker.

Stop whatever it is that you are doing right now, and make plans to go see Inception. Then you will probably want to make plans to see it again because this, my friends, is a movie that is going to make you think- your questions will only lead to more questions. The analytic in me LOVES IT. There is room for endless interpretation (which might tell you a lot about how cynical you are- or hopeful, or vest in the Self. . .you see my point) or you can simply enjoy it for the heist film it is- with a slight horror bent, in that your mind is something you can never really escape. At least not in any way that isn't potentially permanently damaging.

Bless you, Christopher Nolan, for managing to deliver on a movie that is not only thought-provoking, but visually stunning. Or as I put it after my first viewing "fucking beautiful".

May I also add this movie has done nothing to quell my ridiculous crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Call me, JGL.

"You're asking me for Inception. I hope you do understand the gravity of that request."

Trust me, this is one movie that is worth the $7 many times over.


ETA: DISCLAIMER: Apparently if I want to give something a good review, I have to tell the Internets that I am not getting paid to do so. HEY INTERNETS, I AM POOR. The end.

(Dear Christopher Nolan,

If you want to give me money to write good reviews, I might not be against that. I am still paying off grad school.

Love, Sparker

PS Just kidding I have artistic integrity. In reviews. I have to go now.)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The cat of chagrin

A return to the days of PICTURES OF CATS? No. Because this is a video. Use your brain*.

Someone get me one of these dudes for my 25th birthday (YOU ONLY HAVE A LITTLE OVER TWO MONTHS GET CRACKING.)


*Unless you're an undead creature who is lacking them, in which case good job navigating the internet.