Thursday, February 11, 2010

Edward Cullen is a fictional character and he will never love you.

Hallmark holidays sure are fun, aren't they? The brightly colored merchandise haunting you for months ahead of the actual holiday when you're just trying to buy some partially hydroginated oils in 2/3rds of your groceries, the candy sitting on the shelves for months ahead of the actual holiday (is it creepier that it doesn't go bad in that time?), down to the disappointment setting in months ahead of the actual holiday.

If you're alone, let's remind you and make you feel guilty about drinking 8 bottles of wine with your cats when really that's your activity of choice on any given Sunday. If you're in a couple, let's put tremendous pressure on the both of you to come up with THE MOST ROMANTICAL ACTIVITY OF ALL SPACE AND TIME involving-but-not-limited-to unicorns and air balloons. If you're a Twilight mom, let's give you another excuse to whine over the fact that no one will ever be perfect enough to stalk you and commit necrophilia with like Edward.

If you're of the simpering romantic sort, you are certainly in luck this year as there is an entire movie ripping the well-executed concept away from Love Actually and throwing in some teen stars and Kathy Bates for two scenes to try and expand their audience as much as possible- Valentine's Day!

This movie is completely unpredictable! I have no idea what's going to happen!

I actually used my Twitter account to predict the entire movie, as follows:
@SparkerPants So I just saw a trailer for "Valentine's Day" & that looks horrible. I should start writing these unimaginative scripts. I have no shame.
@SparkerPants Cast:workaholic but otherwise perfect woman in relationship with her vibrating Blackberry- check. Patrick Dempsey will play a doctor- check
@SparkerPants An adorable young child will be adorable. The "perfect couple" will break up. Topher Grace will be slightly awkward/adorably unassuming.
@SparkerPants Wolfboy will bring in the Twilight crowd. Kathy Bates has 2 scenes. Jamie Foxx, Queen Latifah & George Lopez provide DIVERSITY! Also: a dog
@SparkerPants Julia Roberts. . .is an off-duty soldier? Really? Hector Elizondo, remind her she's a hooker with a heart of gold. #valentinesday

Do I have to put "CAUTION: INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS SPOILERS" ahead of that if I haven't even seen the movie yet? Oh, I left out "finding love in an unexpected place" and "Anne Hathaway plays 'slightly racy' character to balance out Topher Grace's haplessness". Reader, I am counting on you not to care. Also I still really want to know how we went from several people named St. Valentine- whom we actually know little to nothing about- being matryed (and probably tortured/stoned/beheaded etc) and/or buried around February 14th to people giving each other half-sincere cards, dying foliage and chocolates of questionable origin and quality.

I mean, don't get me wrong I love presents and getting flowers and everything (because who fucking doesn't love presents, seriously), but I also recognize that getting plants from someone is not a soul-shaking, life-changing event. I do not cry when I get flowers. Unless the cats eat them, break the vase and then barf everywhere.
Happy Valentine's Day! I WANT TO EAT YOUR SOUL.

I can't speak for AC1, but my personal expectations fall more along the lines of wanting a typewriter, a FUCK YEAH LEVEL 4!!! Regretsy mug (in the stainless steel commuter style), or that Austin is Magical shirt with the unicorn wearing cowboy boots. Also my expectations for sweeping romance are pretty low, considering the only boyfriend I ever had on a Valentine's Day bought me raw fish and some HEB red roses (my favorite flower=Gerbera Daisy; my favorite cliche=white horses and pantaloons, not any sort of flower).

Basically I'm encouraging you to go do something you'll actually find fun on Sunday, rather than adhering to any stupid stereotypes. Unless stupid stereotypes are your kind of fun. In that case you're probably from my sorority and stop calling me, I don't want that fucking glorified $100 phonebook.


No comments:

Post a Comment