Monday, September 13, 2010

FUNemployment: not so much fun, really.

From the desk of AC2, Sparker.

How quickly the time passes when you are FUNemployed, as I have been since September 1st. And mostly it's quickly because you're in a blind panic or feel like you're edging ever-closer to one at least, so really it's only "FUN" employment if you have a trust fund or are a recent lottery winner. Ample free time - funds to enjoy it = HAHAHAHA damn it. And fortunately I still have my thesis to keep me warm. Too bad utter frustration doesn't pay much.

To keep my spirits up, I am compiling a list of careers I could begin to pursue out of hope of either generating decent amounts of money very quickly or glamorizing the life of the homeless (which I will never really be because AC1 would totally let me move into her closet).

Solutions to FUNemployment: An Aquatic Cousins Listing.

1. Cocktail waitress at a strip joint. One of my friends has a joke he loves to tell- "What's the difference between the cocktail waitress and the stripper? Two weeks." However knowing there's a possibility that he could come into the strip joint and thus see me naked were I to make that transition would be enough to prevent it.
2. Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is getting really old and we cannot let Shia LeBeouf take over that position, we really can't. (Auto-correct wants to rename him "Shia Beowulf" which I think is awesome.)
3. Cat whisperer. Although that might just equate to "stealing from the elderly".
4. Professional blogger. Call me.
5. Eternal Grad Student. I am already doing pretty well at this one but have unfortunately not been able to find any grants for "taking forever to finish my thesis".
6. Circus performer. As you can see we are now moving into the "glorified homeless" section since I am not talented enough nor do I have any weird enough body modifications to be hired by any sort of legit circus.
7. Assistant to Lauren Carter. Can I come and live in your jungle hut with the fire-hippies in Hawaii? I can be like Mr. Willoughby from the Outlander series. That gives you several hundred pages to explain my presence and also I only require one pair of silk pajamas.

Okay I'm not sure this is actually lifting my spirits. Maybe I should respond to that ALL CAPS JOB POSTING ON CRAIGSLIST TO MAKE $1000 A WEEK MUST NOT HAVE FELONIES WE TRAIN RIGHT PEOPLE ON BUS LINE!!! Seems pretty legit.

Leave your suggestions for my next career in the comments.


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