Winner Winner, Pescetarian Dinner.

You will be most proud to know, Readers Dear, that your esteemed Aquatic Cousin 2 (that would be me, Sparker) won her office holiday Tacky Sweater Contest. That would be a beer that I am holding to celebrate. Also, yes, I am wearing TWO tacky sweater simultaneously. Also-also: I received a choice pair of Grinch pajamas as my prize*, which you can bet your sweet ass I wore from that night through Christmas in my wave of unfortunate Christmas Illness.

(The main perk to being sick on Christmas as an adult only child is that your dad puts medicinal booze in your hot tea and mom lets you have control over the television so that all crazy aunts have to watch their "stories" in the back bedroom. Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, nurse me back to health with your wacky holiday hi-jinx!)

Ahem. I would like to put in an honorable mention to AC1, who loaned me those fahhhhbulous white furry boots to complete my ensemble, and JPatt** who originally crafted the fine outer sweater, which so far holds a 100% record in winning all tacky contests it has been a part of. Rejoice. Deck the Halls. Etc.

My Christmas gift from AC2. He has moved into my cubicle because I sure as hell don't want him at my apartment, watching me sleep.

I have also proudly won two Starbucks gift cards through my company's Twitter Holiday Stories contest- if you're on Twitter, post a holiday story with the hashtag #bvhs and you're up to win a $10 Starbucks giftcard prize each day and will go into the drawing to win the $500 AMEX card overall prize. You can read all of the winning stories here. My two winning posts (I did not cheat, thank you, I have two separate accounts) are as follows, in case you were in want of example and too lazy or drunk to click that other link:

@SparkerPants Favorite holiday moment of being a vegetarian: Aunt pulls bird out of oven, remarks "Oh! There were plastic bags of guts in there?" #bvhs

@Intrepid_Intern This will be my first Christmas as a newlywed, or it would be if I had gotten married in the last year. So 24th Xmas w/my delusions. #bvhs

Happy Holidays folks! We here at Aquatic Headquarters hope that you've gotten all that makes you Merry & Bright, or you've exchanged for it and did not die in the hordes of pre-teens questing after Twilight merchandise at the mall, or you've stockpiled enough booze and dangerous fireworks to use on Thursday to forget all of your worldly woes.

Cheers.

-AC2

* & ** really: Jpatt first debuted this sweater at a party we attended our sophomore year of college and won the contest; the prize, unfortunately, was a bottle of urine. I am not even joking. She also won a bear dressed in a unicorn suit which I was really upset she did not regift to me because I am seven.

Vintage holiday party enjoyments with the Patt of J.

Away in a manger/my buried credit card bills. . .

A lot happens on the Cousin Front pretty regularly and sometimes it is with great sadness that we cannot tell you about all of it in the manner we would like. Some of it might get us arrested and some might just mildly scar our family members (we don't know anything about the roving pack of feral chihuahuas, trained to drink mescal and pick up ladies by Scrappy).

We do, however, want to wish you the merriest and happiest of holidays, starting right here and right now. It's only 11 days 'til Christmas, folks- make sure you place your orders for Sophies and Firefly for the Aquatic Cousins. We even write old-fashioned thank you notes, so it's completely worth your while to add us to your gifting listing.

To your above left: Merry Happy Holidays, you pagans with your yule logs and you Christians with your 6lb 8oz little infant baby Jesus who was actually most likely born in the spring. You guys crazy. I love you. Also to all you Hannukah and Kwanza celebrating folk- I wish you delicious potato pancakes (I saw a recipe for spicy sweet potato latkes- damn do they sound good) and a good reaffirming of your African roots which I know is not a replacement for Christmas, but a celebration of culture.

So that was partly PC and only mildly insulted the religion I grew up with. I should totally be in PR (oh wait, I sortof am. . .)

And as further proof that you wish you worked where I do, please observe the following video below:



Merry Happy Tra-la-la, folks. Keep it in the family. (I don't know what I mean by that either, really. It's Monday. )

-AC2

The Most Wonderful Time for Beer (or Firefly).

Wondering what to buy an Aquatic Cousin this holiday season? I don't know about Sarah but I have my eye on a certain costume. Please take a look at the video below.

Yep that's right this Aquatic Cousin has a love affair with Star Wars and the men of the Imperial Forces! I really do think that a Storm Trooper costume would round out my wardrobe!

Purdy PLEEAAAASE!

Trufax.

We know we talk about Sophies an awful lot here on the cousin blog (when in actuality we- being young and poor- drink a lot more magnums of Cooks because we are classy that way) and it is possible it has been mentioned before and I am just too lazy to look through the archives to find it, but I thought it was time, Reader Dear, that you knew something:

FIREFLY: THE OFFICIAL VODKA OF THE AQUATIC COUSINS.

Being Texas girls born and bred, our Southern souls could not resist the siren call of the sweet tea vodka once introduced. Now a staple during nights out in Austin-town, or nights in the BDH bedazzling, it is in heavy rotation on our drink-of-choice roster. We recommend it on the rocks, with water and a little lemon. Simply delicious.

You can check out their website here- be prepared to jam out to some sweet tunes upon the loading of it (so if you're in the office like I am, bust out those headphones). I was a little surprised to go from my Phoenix Pandora station to the rockus sounds of the South, but not unpleasantly so.

In conclusion: put a little South in your mouth. (Saw this magical phrase on their Twitter account- I have to say, it's the first time I've seen this phrase used in conjunction with something other than the South Alabama Sailing Team. Bless you Kleinschrodt brothers, wherever you are.)

-AC2

A trip, a party, a spider, a turkey.

So recently this Aquatic Cousin returned from San Francisco where I spent Halloween visiting with Empty Chair Cousin (or Best Dancer Cousin). We had a splendid adventure which included the commandeering of a Fauxconut for the afore mentioned cousin. We had some spectacular meals my favorite being the brunch we had at Foreign Cinema.

We saw the Dirty Pro's at Bimbo's and danced the night away! The Aquatic Cousins saw them at ACL aka Mud Fest 09, but they were way better at a smaller indoor venue.

The highlight of my Halloween was the Pre-Halloween party we hosted at Empty Chair Cousin's apartment it gave everyone the chance to test out their costumes and we had quite the turnout. It was a hit thanks to the loot we scored from Tartine Bakery! Yum!

Actual Halloween was a most magical adventure comprised of walks, party hopping and dancing with strangers dressed as the Iceman and Maverick. I may or may not have carried around my own bottle of white wine toward the end of the night. . . ha.

Now home and broke I am trying to live more modestly *cough* so I had a girly dinner with Lana, Val, April and Jessica at Eastside Cafe. Alana and I shared Ruby Trout in a ginger cream and mushroom sauce! It was delicious and I would recommend it to anyone! Alana and I then traveled back over to my hood and went to a house party thrown by Ginger Lauren a good friend of AC2. The party was a hit. . .for many reasons. I like it because Worth and the crew showed unexpectedly, AC2 liked it because there were men doing Martial Arts...

We both enjoyed the jello shots and drunk Alana!

The next night the Aquatic Cousins ventured to Spider House to get "work" done and then into downtown Austin. It was Peyton's birthday so we hit up 219 west and had some cake and cocktails. Afterward I may or may not have made my cousin go with to Lucky Lounge for some cheap doubles :D WoooHoo! From there it went downhill and. . .let's just leave it at that.

TIME FOR A VIDEO THAT IS COMPLETELY POINTLESS!

I feel refreshed! How about you?

So now that we have seen some squawking muppets do a rock opera, let's talk about the less talented Adam Lambert aka Glambert!

So we all know he is gay and was on American Idol right? Well apparently he decided to makeout with his keyboard player on stage (click on his name above to see the full video via Youtube.) at the American Music Awards- and well, it caused some backlash. Oh really like that wasn't planned! Well in any case, Diane Sawyer just said no to Glambert and cancelled his performance the following morning on Good Morning America. Isn't it a sad time when a boy can't kiss another boy on national television? Does anyone else remember a similar performance from a few years back? Madonna/ Brit-Brit/ Christina mackin' down to "Like a Virgin"?

Also a special thank you to all our service men and women on this fine holiday! Especially to the favorite Army man of the Aquatic Cousins, we will drink in your honor sir!

This is AC1 saying good luck to you during this holiday season, and remember you can't spell the word Families without the word LIES!

xx

** There will be more photos of the misc. adventures when blogger and the internet decide to like me again.

When I Grow Up I Wanna be Stacy (or Lafayette)

I am here today, readers fair, to implore those of you in the Austin area to consider coming out to Martial Way Academy next week THIS WEEK NOV 16-20TH for FREE CLASSES! and to help us meet some special goals as we drift ever-closer to that magical time of year (before the time of year where you cry over your credit card bills and wonder why you bought so many presents for your undeserving relatives and boring co-workers).

I will be there, hopefully four times- a lofty goal considering my insane schedule- to participate in the Kick-a-Thon and to donate some money for a student who came down with Guillian-Barre' syndrome a few weeks ago and nearly died from it. Take it from me, this lady is AWESOME and I wanna be like her when I grow up- she does push-ups on her knuckles and I'm still doing the girly kind on my knees (damn my trick ankle. . .yes I'm seventy-five). It's also a great example of what a fantastic little family I'm so glad to have become a part of at Martial Way- how many other places do you think would help raise money for a student's medical bills? It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and less cynical.

There's also a sweet Thanksgiving Special going with a few slots left, if you decide you like your free class and would like to sign up for a two-month commitment. I did a similar program over the summer and got hooked. I've even gone so far as to purchase my very own Thai kickboxing pads that live in the back of Lafayette* and confuse many passengers.

Moral of the Blog-Post Story: Think kind thoughts and come out to Martial Way if you're so inclined, if just to burn off some calories before eating an entire pie on Thanksgiving.

ALSO-ALSO: You can SPONSOR ME in the Kick-a-Thon for something like a nickel a kick. We're aiming for a thousand a class! I'll post my results here.

ETA: Wednesday class 750 kicks. Not too bad!
Thursday class 1064 kicks- putting the week's total at 1814

-AC2

*Lafayette is the name of my Ford Edge; he was thusly named for the party in his cupholders (or the ambient lighting feature in the interior; this does not mean I condone drinking and driving). I felt Lafayette the character from True Blood and the Charlene Harris Southern Vampire series would approve.

Check him out. He approves.

Gregg Phone: Does not have tutu, decidedly not aquatic

In keeping with my (AC2 or Sparker, if you will) incredibly varied sense of coordination, I managed to drop Gregg the 3G iPhone into a glass of water sitting in my cup-holder on Friday evening as I was leaving Zen with my tasty takeout wares.

Usually there is a party* in my cupholders and not water. But though Gregg Phone was named for Old Gregg of Mighty Boosh fame, he is not in fact semi-aquatic as his namesake is, or at least doesn't seem to be after spending two days in a bag of rice and being charged overnight. I still hold out slim hope, but I'm guessing he has died an early death at the age of one year. I am sad. He was loved and also I am broke and not sure I can afford to replace him in the manner I would wish to.

Let's have a moment of silence for brave Gregg Phone, who tried to imitate the semi-aquatic ways of both his owner and his namesake. Deep breath. Let us now move on to happier and more prosperous waters: COUSIN ADVENTURES!

The Aquatic Cousins have been adventuring somewhat seperately lately, with AC1 visiting Empty Chair Cousin in San Fran and AC2 (me) holding down the BDH** fort with the Pointy-eared Canine Brigade (pictured below) while attempting to work and avoid my thesis at all costs, instead playing with AC1's closet and making new outfits from its contents. Also I did laundry last night.

Pointy-eared Canine Brigade

I did, however, have a fabulous adventure with work bestie Elyse- on Halloween after taking the Pointy-eared Canine Brigade for a long walk through the park, she suggested we randomly venture to Houston to see Hanson in concert. I agreed, as long as we left early the next day to return to the dogs, lest they be neglected in my charge (they are my nephews, after all).

At this point, Dear Reader, you are probably having one of a few reactions:
1) Holy shit, I haven't thought about Hanson in years. Aren't they all married now or something? They're still around doing musical things? (Yes and yes.)
2) Hahaha Hanson is so stupid! Did they play MmmBop? Do they all still look like girls? (Well Taylor rather looked like a gay pirate, but we'll get to that in a minute.)
3) OMG I LOVE HANSON! (You are probably the rarer reader and possibly named Laura Taylor)
4) I'm hungry. (You're a person after my own stomach, Reader Dear)

I have to say, I am up for pretty much any random adventure and what happened in the course of this evening- involving a faux Spanish man from Craigslist and my costume of "The Death of All Your Hopes and Dreams" among other things- most definitely qualified in all aspects. I mean, their encore was a cover of Thriller.



Does that not say it all? My favorite part is the guy from one of the opening bands who is just wandering around the stage with a beer. The video doesn't show it, but he basically fell off of the stage headfirst, between stage and barrier. That's the part where Taylor stops singing and starts laughing, looking mightily like a gay pirate (he had stripped off the other components of their costume as The Three Amigos) as he goes to help him back up.

After the show we met up with my first wife/godsister/bestie Rebecca and her husband Michael who were on a pub crawl in Montrose (this act combined both my love for them and my need to not sleep in my car or drive back to Austin at midnight). Elyse and I were sadly without costume as we had assumed the concert would get out a bit later than it did, but I still had my temporary roller derby tattoos on from work the day before (see: photo at top of this post; please do not think I'd be dumb enough to ever actually get an Ed Hardy neck tattoo) and since I was wearing a sweater and a t-shirt I just started telling people I was dressed as "the death of all your hopes and dreams".

Now that's a scary costume.

Additionally, if you are ever in the Montrose area of Houston and looking for a delicious old-fashioned cocktail, I recommend you stop by Anvil. It's a bit pricey if you're not going for their special, but trust me- an Airmail is worth it (and if you're used to buying drinks in NY or LA, $9 might not seem so horrendous).

I did wish that Elyse had brought her costume, because it was the height of awesome and showed up all other Little Red Riding Hoods I have seen before or since- with a steampunk corset and custom-made hood she will probably reign supreme for many more moons to come.

(Photo credit to Oliver Wong, esteemed co-worker of ours. You may peruse more of his awesome work on his Flickr page, if you are into that stalkery kind of thing.)

To your right: please observe the awesome; corset not pictured but can be imagined.

After a sexy buffet breakfast at Baba Yega Sunday morning, we journeyed back to Austin-town and the swift return of realities. . .but not before taking the Pointy-eared Canine Brigade to the park for some choice tennis ball chasing action. I am an excellent Auntie, after all.

-AC2


*Party in my Cup Holders: this does not mean drinking and driving, but instead refers to the ambient lighting that changes across a rainbow of colors when a certain button is pressed; runs inside my cup holders and around the foot area in the front and back seats (this feature also solely responsible for the naming of my vehicle as Lafayette)

**BDH: again, this is Barbie Dreamhouse, residence of AC1 and chock full of awesome