Single White Feline.

From the couch of AC1 writes AC2. That's not confusing at all.

BBC Comedy reveals the startling truth as to why so many cat-owning women remain single:



Oh dear. And here he's just been proclaiming himself as my thesis coach.

-AC2

Wake up in the morning feeling like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

From the desk of AC2, Sparker.



Life has been kindof a total shitshow recently. I will give you the briefest of summaries and promise that this post, at least, will have a happy conclusion because it is not in the nature of either Aquatic Cousin to be depressive for long. We embrace, we deal, we move on. We tell the internet about it in the interim.

I would first like to have a moment of silence for the sudden and terrible loss of one Mr. Marmalade "Kitten" Jib-Sheet Parker Hansen. A true Aquatic Pet who loved getting in the shower and putting weird shit in his water bowl, he is deeply missed.

Here's to you, my orange fur-child. May you Scuba Cat in peace for all of eternity.

For the inevitable question: I will probably adopt another cat- stray or shelter- in a few months. There is no way I could do that now. Poor Mr. Kitten was not yet 5 years old and I mourn his giraffe patches and deluded "ability" to climb walls. He also enjoyed whiskey*, so pour one out for your orange homie.

My purse was recently stolen also- and although this mostly is an occasion in which you curse the badness of people around you and possibly your own stupidity, mostly you just revel in what a pain in the ass it is to replace everything you own of vital importance. Including your prescription glasses. (I hope the bastard who stole my shit is really blind and likes ten-year outdated Calvin Klein frames.)

This did, however, also give me the opportunity to get some new frames that are too hip for me AND I found the perfect company to give my hard-earned money to: Warby Parker. Why they are awesome:

• Buy a pair and they give a pair to someone in need
  
• Affordable as hell: $95 for frames and prescription lenses; only $30 more if you're blind as I am and require high-index lenses (so $125 for frames AND lenses, still)
  
• Shipping included (check out the Free Pledge)
  
• Return shipping and exchanges included
• You can have several frames sent to your home for try-on. For free. And return them. For free.
  
• Digital try-ons if you're of the instant-gratification sort
• Just look how fucking hip they all are
  

So: found the silver lining there and I'm excited about that, obviously. GO BUY SOME GLASSES. Or a monocle.

(The ones I chose. The monocle. Only $50.)

In other news, I am currently drafting up a boyfriend application for myself and AC1 since we seem to have dubious luck with men. What sort of questions should we include? I am thinking an initial response to Allie Brosh's Guide to Relationships would be a fantastic indicator of their ability to handle our individual as well as collective awesomeness. Also definitely the following questions:

A pretty accurate depiction of my daily thought process.
Art by Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half.

Preliminary Questions:

1. On a scale of 1-10, how romantic would you find the gift of a unicorn serenade in your inbox? (Note: the only correct answer is 7 or above.)
2. Imagine I were to gain a little extra badonk-a-donk. How would you celebrate this?
3. You have the choice of purchasing me one of the following gifts for my birthday. Which one(s) do you choose? A) God jewelery from James Avery. B) A gift certificate to clone Satan Cat. C) Regretsy Fuck Yeah Level 4 mug, in the stainless steel commuter style. D) A boxed set, collector's edition of Twilight. E) A boxed set, collector's edition of The Dresden Files. F) All of the above. G) Both A&G. H) All but A&G. I) Never B because The Universe would implode. J) socks
   
4. Can you cope with being associated/involved with a family to rival that of Arrested Development?
   
5. Short Essay Question: What does it mean to wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy?

Automatic Disqualifactions include:

1. Currently being in a coma
2. Non-ironic ownership and/or wear of Ed Hardy/Affliction items
3. Belief that the movie Troy was historically accurate
4. Belief that Sarah Palin is a legitimate presidential candidate/should be respected for her work in the realm of feminism
5. Disbelief in the magic and wonder of unicorns
   

I think that's a good working draft. Feel free to leave your contributions in the comments below.

-AC2

*No I was not an abusive pet-owner. I put my whiskey down once to apply makeup, and found the cat licking the ice cubes. . .while it was still full of whiskey. I took it away from him. I didn't even want to find out how expensive cat-rehab was.

ETA: A fun cousin adventure! I promised you one of those. Here's a sneak peek photo. This particular adventure deserves an entry of its own, methinks. ANTICIPATE.

Aquatic Cousins Take on FASHION!

AUSTIN FASHION WEEK IS UPON US!

Okay not really because there's no such thing but there SHOULD BE and let me tell you- the Aquatic Cousins would be sitting in the front row, wearing things more awesome than the Olsen twins ever thought to imagine in their bobble heads.

BEHOLD:

Cat Piano shirts are all the rage at The Workplace of AC2, I can assure you.

Yes I definitely wore that to work yesterday and received rave reviews, which tells you how awesome my place of work is. The CEO of course chose the day I was wearing a cat piano shirt to come by my desk. He complimented how I dressed it up so nicely with a blazer; what can I say we have a rapport since his daughter and I share a love of unicorns.

Now, the world might not be ready for this next piece, as rocked by AC1 in a way that no one else ever quite could- but we have confidence and faith in you, Dear Reader.

No she did not skin a muppet for this fine and winning piece.

Your eyes do not deceive you, Reader Dear- that is, in fact, an orange fur vest. And you are, in fact, as horrifyingly jealous that you do not own such a thing as I am, I guarantee it. Even if you don't know it. Search deeply in your soul for the truth. You want it. You want it to wear with my cat piano shirt. But that will never happen because you are not an Aquatic Cousin. Search for your own destiny in life.

Yes I've had too much sugar and caffeine. Let's hope I hold out until our Dallas departure this evening. In the meantime, I must needs go see a communist in his cubicle about some Workplace Things. (No really, that's how he referred to himself in the email.)

Cheers.

-AC2

Bonus AC2 Entry: I wish I had a croissant to go with that hat

In semi-related Longhorn Football news, I stopped by DSW today ostensibly to shop for a replacement pair of black pumps (mine are all kinds of dead- woe) but found something much more beauteous instead: that there burnt orange knit beret. If only it were actually cold here in Texas for the majority of football season; I'd have reason to drop twenty on it. (I would do it anyway, if it came with a case of chocolate croissants or something. Take note, manufacturers.)

As it is, we are only just starting to experience highs not in the triple-digits (bless you rain!) here in Mighty Texas and I pretty much consider this a thoughtful birthday gift from the universe. Well, that and the person with the fetching accent (British) who has a cubicle near mine at the office so I get to listen to them talk. . .okay that sounds creepy when I put it that way. Ahem.

It's truly amazing how maladroit (WORD OF THE DAY!) I can be considering I'm getting my MA in Interpersonal Communication, huh? That would also be the reason I don't date, you guys. OH HAI I'M AWKWARD. (Sadly this is the moment when most of my ex-boyfriends would chime in with "It's a good thing you're pretty". Gee guys, I wonder why we broke up.) I mean, I have an OKC profile and all. . .but let's just not go there, shall we? Now I'm just embarrassing myself.

Ahem.

I do plan to do my best to join AC1 in tailgate fun this Saturday, however I will not be able to make it out until later in the afternoon* as I have my UT Sailing Alumni Regatta on Saturday morning! I will now address several of your questions:

1) yes, UT has a sailing team and it has been around since the '60s
2) yes I sailed on it in college (and refused to ever learn how to skipper)
3) yes I do have a tendency to choose violent, expensive hobbies (ironic considering how accident-prone I am)
4)no our calendar is no longer for sale- sorry

Here is a picture of me with a boat that I actually sailed in, to make you feel better:

This was at Women's Sailing Nationals, circa 2007. The lovely lady with me was my skipper, the lovely Miss KJ. She is also my second wife, but that is something of a long story involving hand-holding, a tiara, my 21st birthday and a drunk, overly-excited man hanging out the window of his truck.

Anyway, the Alumni Regatta is more. . .festive, shall we say, than the other regattas hosted by the team wherein they actually compete in their region to be able to compete at the national level. Hands down the very best thing I did in college and I am glad I snuggled it and loved it as much as I could because damn do I miss it now! Although hitting things is coming in a nice second as a beloved, violent and expensive hobby.

PS: OPEN HOUSE WITH MARTIAL WAY THIS WEEK! Only three days left, but I will be there! Okay I won't be there Saturday because I'll be sailing, but. . .you know. Go and try out any class you may fancy, except the fanciful really hard advanced ones. We wouldn't want you to die.

Alright kids, it's off to bed for this intrepid young. . .uh. . .cat lady? Sure. Intrepid young Cat Lady. Going to try to conquer all again tomorrow, because today I just took a nap instead.

-AC2

*So you might be thinking, "Hey, that game doesn't start until like 7pm, right?" and yes you would be right- and also clearly know nothing about how incredibly hardcore some of these tailgating folk are; some groups send out hungover and wayward freshman as early as sunrise to pitch tents and set up general merriment areas for the tailgating that often commences before noon. Alumni invest in $200,000 RVs with Longhorn decorating schemes so they can drink beer in comfort near the stadium, all day long.

It is an experience, people. If you ever get invited, your ass should say YES.