We No Speak Americano.

From the desk of AC1, Manda.




We do however love to DANCE!




-AC1

Edward Cullen is a fictional character and he will never love you.

Hallmark holidays sure are fun, aren't they? The brightly colored merchandise haunting you for months ahead of the actual holiday when you're just trying to buy some partially hydroginated oils in 2/3rds of your groceries, the candy sitting on the shelves for months ahead of the actual holiday (is it creepier that it doesn't go bad in that time?), down to the disappointment setting in months ahead of the actual holiday.

If you're alone, let's remind you and make you feel guilty about drinking 8 bottles of wine with your cats when really that's your activity of choice on any given Sunday. If you're in a couple, let's put tremendous pressure on the both of you to come up with THE MOST ROMANTICAL ACTIVITY OF ALL SPACE AND TIME involving-but-not-limited-to unicorns and air balloons. If you're a Twilight mom, let's give you another excuse to whine over the fact that no one will ever be perfect enough to stalk you and commit necrophilia with like Edward.

If you're of the simpering romantic sort, you are certainly in luck this year as there is an entire movie ripping the well-executed concept away from Love Actually and throwing in some teen stars and Kathy Bates for two scenes to try and expand their audience as much as possible- Valentine's Day!


This movie is completely unpredictable! I have no idea what's going to happen!
I actually used my Twitter account to predict the entire movie, as follows:
@SparkerPants So I just saw a trailer for "Valentine's Day" & that looks horrible. I should start writing these unimaginative scripts. I have no shame.
@SparkerPants Cast:workaholic but otherwise perfect woman in relationship with her vibrating Blackberry- check. Patrick Dempsey will play a doctor- check
@SparkerPants An adorable young child will be adorable. The "perfect couple" will break up. Topher Grace will be slightly awkward/adorably unassuming.
@SparkerPants Wolfboy will bring in the Twilight crowd. Kathy Bates has 2 scenes. Jamie Foxx, Queen Latifah & George Lopez provide DIVERSITY! Also: a dog
@SparkerPants Julia Roberts. . .is an off-duty soldier? Really? Hector Elizondo, remind her she's a hooker with a heart of gold. #valentinesday

Do I have to put "CAUTION: INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS SPOILERS" ahead of that if I haven't even seen the movie yet? Oh, I left out "finding love in an unexpected place" and "Anne Hathaway plays 'slightly racy' character to balance out Topher Grace's haplessness". Reader, I am counting on you not to care. Also I still really want to know how we went from several people named St. Valentine- whom we actually know little to nothing about- being matryed (and probably tortured/stoned/beheaded etc) and/or buried around February 14th to people giving each other half-sincere cards, dying foliage and chocolates of questionable origin and quality.

I mean, don't get me wrong I love presents and getting flowers and everything (because who fucking doesn't love presents, seriously), but I also recognize that getting plants from someone is not a soul-shaking, life-changing event. I do not cry when I get flowers. Unless the cats eat them, break the vase and then barf everywhere.

Happy Valentine's Day! I WANT TO EAT YOUR SOUL.

I can't speak for AC1, but my personal expectations fall more along the lines of wanting a typewriter, a FUCK YEAH LEVEL 4!!! Regretsy mug (in the stainless steel commuter style), or that Austin is Magical shirt with the unicorn wearing cowboy boots. Also my expectations for sweeping romance are pretty low, considering the only boyfriend I ever had on a Valentine's Day bought me raw fish and some HEB red roses (my favorite flower=Gerbera Daisy; my favorite cliche=white horses and pantaloons, not any sort of flower).

Basically I'm encouraging you to go do something you'll actually find fun on Sunday, rather than adhering to any stupid stereotypes. Unless stupid stereotypes are your kind of fun. In that case you're probably from my sorority and stop calling me, I don't want that fucking glorified $100 phonebook.

-AC2

Giant floating heads and canned champagne

Greetings, dear readers! This is Aquatic Cousin 2 speaking, live from Kickbutt Coffee.

[If you like the dress, I borrowed it from Aquatic Cousin 1 and no I am not wearing it anymore, but I did love it so much I bought it and you can too. Let's all be twins! I'm sure it works that way. ]

As a graduate student who works two jobs out of her house (internet permitting HEY THERE AT&T), I- Aquatic Cousin 2- have a pretty strange and continually morphing schedule (though unfortunately it never morphs into anything fun like a Power Ranger; having Zordon as a conversation piece in my apartment would spice up ALL my dinner parties). At the moment Wednesdays are my nights off from fieldwork and often Aquatic Cousin 1 and I involve ourselves in some type of mischief.

Yesterday, for example, I received a text message that said only "BEDAZZLE!!!" and knew immediately that I must journey to the Barbie Dream House* and enter into bedazzling activities with Aquatic Cousin 1; champagne and tacky glue being the moral adhesive of our universe.

Observe the plight of our project thus far:
This was Aquatic Cousin 1's idea after seeing a photo of the Disco!Deer and wondering what she might do in order to improve upon the plain plywood appearance of her cabinets. More updates and details on this project as it progresses, mark my words.

After spending a little over four hours tirelessly adhering acrylic jewels to the back of the cabinet from the vantage of the granite counter top (and praying to Lord Old Gregg we wouldn't go crashing through the floor into the downstairs apartment) with the aid of champagne, we decided that dinner and a bit of a night out on the town were in order.

Austin is of course famous for its many varied and delicious Tex-Mex joints and Guero's Taco Bar was the decided upon destination for the evening's taco and margarita beverage needs; Aquatic Cousin 1 is your definitive source for all things at the bar and could tell you which version we were enjoying last night. I am here to talk shrimp tacos and my neverending fear and loathing of hookah which we enjoy patronizing Red Fez downtown for (more on that in a moment, dear readers).

Margaritas on the rocks for the Aquatic Cousins

Normalcy is not something we lay claim to, or ever have.

After dinner we talked about checking out a friend's show at Antone's, but ultimately found ourselves enjoy beverages and mango-flavored hookah at Red Fez. I personally did only partake in the water beverage selection and cowered in fear of the terrifying hookah, as I have recently started kickboxing classes at the Martial Way Academy and now have to rise at a respectable hour to get some busted up sexy knuckles to show for my efforts of holding up pads for large sweaty men.

THE HOOKAH IS ATTACKING DOWNTOWN TOKYO! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIVES!!!

We were both only children, dear readers, and have developed interesting imaginations and ideas of entertainment as a result of this. At any rate if you find yourself in Austin and need yourself a good Tokyo-attacking hookah, Red Fez is your place. They usually have some sweet tunes and are one of the only places in town you will find Sophia Coppola's canned champagne- it comes with a straw, even. How could you possibly beat that? Sophies, we call them. I highly encourage you order one or order a case and send them to us, we will post pictures of us drinking them and maybe even wearing bikinis if you send several cases.

I would love to keep on, my darlings, but a week's backlog of fieldnotes** awaits me. Take care and in the meantime we appreciate all questions/comments/concerns/pledges to send seven cases of Sophies in the comments.

-Aquatic Cousin 2

*Barbie Dream House or BDH= the residence of Aquatic Cousin 1; it is fabulosity itself.
**fieldnotes are part of my fieldwork, for my thesis, which is ethnographic in nature and if you don't know what that means, ask me or use Google for its intended purposes, Internet.

Something of an Introduction.

Greetings and salutations; we are the Aquatic Cousins!

[To your left, Aquatic Cousin 1. To your right, Aquatic Cousin 2.]


Based out of shining Austin, Texas, the Aquatic Cousins enjoy bedazzling cabinets, going on Scuba Adventures, eating breakfast tacos, snuggling our many and various pets, and a good alcoholic beverage during happy hour- canned champagne included. To this end, the Aquatic Cousins will happily accept any and all gifts of Sophies (Sofia Coppola's champagne that comes in pink cans with straws) that may be sent our way.

(This is not a photograph of the hand of either Aquatic Cousin- we've yet to find men brave enough to submit themselves to our awesomeness for all of eternity. Also we have better nails. Or at least AC1 usually does. College sailing destroyed mine.)

The Aquatic Cousins have established this blog to give you a taste of Austin culture from what can only be called a unique point of view; most probably it will not always be written in the near third-person, but only time will tell.

As a patron of this blog, Dear Reader, you may expect to find entertaining photographs and stories of the crafting adventures, pet adventures and other-category adventures of two twenty-something Aquatic Cousins. On occasion actual aquatic experiences may take place.

Questions, comments and concerns may be addressed in the comments. Should this blog at any time actually become popular, all assholes will be deleted with no questions asked. Anyone who likes Twilight will be submitted for psychological review.

Happy trails, dear distant internet friends!

-Aquatic Cousin 2