Single White Feline.

From the couch of AC1 writes AC2. That's not confusing at all.

BBC Comedy reveals the startling truth as to why so many cat-owning women remain single:



Oh dear. And here he's just been proclaiming himself as my thesis coach.

-AC2

Our Lord & Savior, Old Gregg

In honor of Christmas, the Aquatic Cousins offer you the following:




A Very Bad Cat Christmas!

Merry Happy Tra-la-la to you and yours- whether yours is a very Bad Cat, a very Floofy Cat, your terrifying and/or loving family or a strange woman next to you at the grocery store making chicken noises while choosing eggs*. Also if you don't celebrate Christmas at all, just use it as an excuse to drink.

-AC2



*This actually happened to me, today.

Patticake Cats: I invented it. I started it.

I will never stop watching this video because it is hilarious. Make sure you're watching it with the sound on- the commentary is what makes it. Whoever made this is my hero for all of time and space (right behind Captain Tightpants, that is). Thanks be to Aquatic Friend Christine for this and may all of the Patticake Cats in the world help her through 2L finals at the schoolings of law that she undertakes.


IT NEVER ENDS!

Bless.

-AC2

If you could so kindly move please ma'am, you are obstructing my path of forward motion

From the desk of AC2 (which she has finally cleaned somewhat)



This amused me (AC2) way too much. Bad Cat has a Christmas Wish List and all that's on it is a Roomba.


Also possibly a mastiff to swipe at, but I'm sure I'll also do.

Another thing I am way too amused by:


You should really think about bookmarking this magnificent page of gifs. You're welcome.

-AC2

My birthday is in two months, you guys.

THE RETURN OF THE PALLAS CAT!

See more on these adorable monsters at ZooBorns.

Probably the only kitten I could get that would give Satan Cat a run for her money. Because cats have money. I have to go.

-AC2

The cat of chagrin

A return to the days of PICTURES OF CATS? No. Because this is a video. Use your brain*.



Someone get me one of these dudes for my 25th birthday (YOU ONLY HAVE A LITTLE OVER TWO MONTHS GET CRACKING.)

-AC2

*Unless you're an undead creature who is lacking them, in which case good job navigating the internet.

Wake up in the morning feeling like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

From the desk of AC2, Sparker.



Life has been kindof a total shitshow recently. I will give you the briefest of summaries and promise that this post, at least, will have a happy conclusion because it is not in the nature of either Aquatic Cousin to be depressive for long. We embrace, we deal, we move on. We tell the internet about it in the interim.

I would first like to have a moment of silence for the sudden and terrible loss of one Mr. Marmalade "Kitten" Jib-Sheet Parker Hansen. A true Aquatic Pet who loved getting in the shower and putting weird shit in his water bowl, he is deeply missed.

Here's to you, my orange fur-child. May you Scuba Cat in peace for all of eternity.

For the inevitable question: I will probably adopt another cat- stray or shelter- in a few months. There is no way I could do that now. Poor Mr. Kitten was not yet 5 years old and I mourn his giraffe patches and deluded "ability" to climb walls. He also enjoyed whiskey*, so pour one out for your orange homie.

My purse was recently stolen also- and although this mostly is an occasion in which you curse the badness of people around you and possibly your own stupidity, mostly you just revel in what a pain in the ass it is to replace everything you own of vital importance. Including your prescription glasses. (I hope the bastard who stole my shit is really blind and likes ten-year outdated Calvin Klein frames.)

This did, however, also give me the opportunity to get some new frames that are too hip for me AND I found the perfect company to give my hard-earned money to: Warby Parker. Why they are awesome:

• Buy a pair and they give a pair to someone in need
  
• Affordable as hell: $95 for frames and prescription lenses; only $30 more if you're blind as I am and require high-index lenses (so $125 for frames AND lenses, still)
  
• Shipping included (check out the Free Pledge)
  
• Return shipping and exchanges included
• You can have several frames sent to your home for try-on. For free. And return them. For free.
  
• Digital try-ons if you're of the instant-gratification sort
• Just look how fucking hip they all are
  

So: found the silver lining there and I'm excited about that, obviously. GO BUY SOME GLASSES. Or a monocle.

(The ones I chose. The monocle. Only $50.)

In other news, I am currently drafting up a boyfriend application for myself and AC1 since we seem to have dubious luck with men. What sort of questions should we include? I am thinking an initial response to Allie Brosh's Guide to Relationships would be a fantastic indicator of their ability to handle our individual as well as collective awesomeness. Also definitely the following questions:

A pretty accurate depiction of my daily thought process.
Art by Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half.

Preliminary Questions:

1. On a scale of 1-10, how romantic would you find the gift of a unicorn serenade in your inbox? (Note: the only correct answer is 7 or above.)
2. Imagine I were to gain a little extra badonk-a-donk. How would you celebrate this?
3. You have the choice of purchasing me one of the following gifts for my birthday. Which one(s) do you choose? A) God jewelery from James Avery. B) A gift certificate to clone Satan Cat. C) Regretsy Fuck Yeah Level 4 mug, in the stainless steel commuter style. D) A boxed set, collector's edition of Twilight. E) A boxed set, collector's edition of The Dresden Files. F) All of the above. G) Both A&G. H) All but A&G. I) Never B because The Universe would implode. J) socks
   
4. Can you cope with being associated/involved with a family to rival that of Arrested Development?
   
5. Short Essay Question: What does it mean to wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy?

Automatic Disqualifactions include:

1. Currently being in a coma
2. Non-ironic ownership and/or wear of Ed Hardy/Affliction items
3. Belief that the movie Troy was historically accurate
4. Belief that Sarah Palin is a legitimate presidential candidate/should be respected for her work in the realm of feminism
5. Disbelief in the magic and wonder of unicorns
   

I think that's a good working draft. Feel free to leave your contributions in the comments below.

-AC2

*No I was not an abusive pet-owner. I put my whiskey down once to apply makeup, and found the cat licking the ice cubes. . .while it was still full of whiskey. I took it away from him. I didn't even want to find out how expensive cat-rehab was.

ETA: A fun cousin adventure! I promised you one of those. Here's a sneak peek photo. This particular adventure deserves an entry of its own, methinks. ANTICIPATE.

My apartment smells like the Ground Zero of cats.

From the desk of AC2, Sparker.



Mabry has been married for almost two whole weeks, you guys (I nearly typed y'all- after 24 years, it seems Texas is starting to get to me). I read on Fake e-Etiquette that it is polite to apologize for how little you update at least every three blog posts. I know my six (maybe seven now that KT has joined our ranks) loyal readers are routinely on the edge of their seat, waiting for updates in our lives of aquatic wonder and splendor. For this, I must offer my most heartfelt apology and suggest that the next time this happens, Google for pictures of cats.

In the meantime, we'll be building up a back-log of adventures in photo and prose form to dazzle you with on days when we're working for twelve hours in bluebonnet fields, breaking out in rashes- ah, the glamorous life of a photographer's assistant!- or working for twelve hours helping to put on a corporate summit- ah! the glamorous life of an intern!.

Actually I did get a free mug out of that. YES.

I was about this excited. My love of travel mugs is strong.

Good things come to those who wait, y'all. (Damn it.)

-AC2

He's not quite Diabeetus Cat, but he'll do.

From the desk of AC2.




We have a guest-cat on our blog today, my favorite obese feline in the whole world- Jung sa ya.

Find more photos of his royal fatness along with tantalizing food porn and recipes at Aquatic Friend Christine's blog Edible Metamorphosis.

You're welcome.

-AC2

COFFE. (Yeah I just made a reference to a typo I made on Twitter this morning. Get excited.)

From the. . .bed* of AC2.

I'm testing something (and there will be many more edits/updates made to the blog in the near future, but hopefully most of them will go undetected). With any luck, you'll be reading this while I'm teaching poor, unsuspecting undergraduates about autoethnography. (Yeah I just sent your ass to Wikipedia, in case you were too lazy to Google.)

I doubt I have an entire hour and fifteen minutes planned- more like maaaybe forty-five- so they're going to love me.

Speaking of which, I should probably finish preparing that lecture. (I have a complete lesson plan and slides from last year, so there's not much left to do. I'm less of a procrastinator than usual. But still really nervous, for some reason.)





Oh come on, you knew this was coming.







Wish me luck and kitten kisses, whatever the hell that is. At least this morning's procrastination has been productive- I paid an overdue bill (damn you City of Austin, for charging me an extra 88 cents!) and am arranging online set up in the future, to save on paper statements. Because I love the Earth.

-AC2

*T set up the Internet connection in my bedroom so we could watch Netflix on the computer in a comfortable, reclined position without cats climbing all over us. Unfortunately my wireless network has worked maybe twice- thanks AT&T!- so I have to be near the Ethernet cord. Thus: I work from bed. This is both amazing and awful at the same time.

ETA: Test appears to be epic fail. Woe. Will investigate at a later time.

Cats? On the Internet? How novel!

I feel like this is a pretty accurate summary of what this blog is all about: booze and cats. The occasional chihuahua or aquatic adventure, sure- but we all know cats are the backbone of the Internet, the reason Google still runs.

-AC2

I hope they play "I Do (Cherish You)" by 98 Degrees.

From the desk of AC2 aka Sparker.

This is what it has come to, until we can persuade AC1 to update. (And the actual wedding of Salsa Dancing Cousin is this weekend, so she'd better hurry up!)

PICTURES OF CATS. (Photos by Wylie Maercklein)

I am Satan!

The Leopard Sausage Waits.

Okay, loyal readers (and I think there might be six of you now) you deserve something more than that, so I have some treats for you. It was, after all, recently Zombie Jesus Day wherein America makes themselves sick on aphrodisiac versions of pagan fertility symbols which actually. . .makes more sense than expected.

Bonus: Aquatic Cousin Approved Crafting Tiiiiime!

Make your own bath mat out of wine corks! No, really. Go here.



















And drink some Hello Kitty wine to replenish your stash, because you know friends and family are going to be all over wanting one of those mats for themselves.


Also: while we're on the subject of being crafty: Knitted Knockers! If you're a knitter, consider getting involved. AC1 is teaching me how, but. . .I have a long way to go.

What I'm aiming for: a soft, prosthetic boobie for women recovering from a mastectomy- cheaper and more breathable than a silicone falsie, not to mention available much sooner.









Where I am now: note the hole I somehow managed to create, along with the random loops on the sides, that I also have no idea how I created. I WIN AT KNITTING.










T is just going to LOVE his new potholder.

-AC2

Father time is a bastard.

I started writing this at least a week ago and never finished, probably because of the mac n' cheese. Enjoy? -AC2

So, two things: I've met my Internet Soulmate and also we've actually had a request for more cat posts.

My attempt at MS Paint artwork. Mrow.

You guys should really pester AC1 to update with photos from the Cousin Bachelorette Weekend: Cousins Take On College Station (and meet a fifteen-year-old-who-looks-like-Rupert-Grint's-double in a bar) because otherwise this blog is probably just going to devolve into pictures of my cats and nothing else. I know, Dear Readership of Five, that this will disappoint you. And then it will just be me reading my own posts.

You did a good job, Sarah! Chin up!

I don't know that I would actually use the phrase "chin up" with myself but then I've been at work for ten hours and haven't eaten dinner yet and the macaroni and cheese just smells so good right now. . .what was I talking about?

Oh right. My Internet Soulmate.

As a prolific reader and procrastinator, I found Hyperbole and a Half and immediately set myself to reading the entire archives when I should have been doing things like working and sleeping. I sent the conversation Allie had with her boyfriend about him killing Phineus, her dream pet unicorn, to my boyfriend because it sounded like a conversation we would have.

T: I stopped reading after the part he said having a unicorn dream 'sounds awesome'. Nobody would say that. She made that up.

I may have to reevaluate our relationship.

Also: CATS!





























My name is Wilford Brimley, and I have DIABEETUS.

You're welcome.

Also-Also: Questions? Comments? Concerns? I think you know how that little box below works. Get in it.

-AC2

February 15th is Half-Price Chocolate Day.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY FROM THE AQUATIC COUSINS!!!

"Love is like a snowmobile, racing across the tundra when suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -Matt Groening

I'm posting this a bit early, in case you're also celebrating the Chinese New Year (we're going from the Year of the Ox to the Year of the Tiger- which, coincidentally, AC2 is an Ox and AC1 a Tiger) on Sunday along with any Hallmark Holidays on your horizon. Either way I figure you'll be drunk, so I might as well post this now. I could actually be drunk right now, as there was an ice-luge-sculpture in my office this morning and they were giving out shots of Patron, but I am apparently responsible.

If this is your Sunday, you're either more culturally diverse than me, or you have a rich husband.

Or, you know, trying to get them to hire me full-time and I figure barfing up my coffee and bagels in the kitchen in front of everyone is not really the way to go. Plus I was on a natural high from having won 2nd place in our office Valentine's Poetry Contest. As a special treat, I've included the text below. You're welcome.

I Love You More Than Socks: An Epic Love Poem
By Sparker, Age 24.

I love you more than I love socks
For you I would eat rocks
While you were eating steak

I love you more than I love shoes
I would need more than booze
If our love you did forsake

I love you more than Cheetos
Nothing really rhymes with Cheetos
I think because they're orange

I love you more than naps
And really cool bear traps
That I've seen on the TV

I love you more than outer space
And were you gone without a trace
Well, that would be the end to me

I love you more than peanut butter
Honey, I SWEAR, there isn't any other
Do you believe me now?

I mean. . .

Indeed it is so true, for me there's only you-
Here, I got you this ShamWow.

I know, right? That's pretty special. I personally illustrated some Valentines I'm mailing out to friends/family/internet strangers last night as well:

I should totally be an illustrator.

Anyway, I think that's enough Valentine's well-wishing for you. Go learn about neuroscience or something (CAUTION: contains pictures of cats. What. I got it from her. Don't look at me.)

-AC2

Get to Know AC2. Intimately.

It's 2010, you guys and that means new and exciting forms of communication and bonding are happening. Yesterday I came across this amazing thing known as an EMAIL SURVEY. It is an unprecedented form of information-sharing across groups of friends. Probably you have never heard of it, because Aquatic Cousins are pretty much ON THE CUTTING EDGE. Of many things- like fashion, technology, muppets. Trufax.

Below is a copy of the EMAIL SURVEY I received from my dear friend Nicole and decided to perpetuate to many of my other friends so that they might learn intimate facts and details about me. Now it's your turn, reader dear.

Feel special. Because you are. I think you're pretty, too.

____________________________________________

Welcome to the 2010 edition of getting to know your friends. (This is also known as a "survey" which you may or may not have experienced countless forwards of in junior high. We're bringing it back, much like the Track Pant is the new TROUSER OF THE SEASON!! Don't believe me? Just check the London Times Online.)

How a survey works, in case you have been chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor all this time, somehow managed to survive and yet have not learned this vital internet skill: Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including the person who sent it to you. The idea is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you might not have known! I think the person that wrote this doesn't know about Facebook.

Just press the 'forward' button then you can erase my answers and add yours. (This direction included for those still using AOL aka don't understand the Internet or email.)

1. High heels or boots?
I keep a pair of roller skates in the office just so I can deliver beer to people while wearing them. (There is a keg in my office.)

2. What time did you get up this morning?
5:30, and went to 6am kickboxing. Do not be impressed; I've only managed this three other times. Usually I repeatedly press the snooze button, trying to remember what I was dreaming about. (Which often includes knife-fights; I think I've been watching too much Legend of the Seeker.)

3. Diamonds or pearls?
Probably you have heard my rant about how diamonds are not rare (see: diamond tipped saw blades) and are horribly overpriced because the DeBeers family owns all of them and just keeps train-car loads back to drive up prices.

Personally I'd rather have a typewriter, the Austin is Magical unicorn shirt (featuring a unicorn wearing cowboy boots) or the FUCK YEAH LEVEL 4!!! Regretsy mug, in the stainless steel commuter style.

Tell me that is not so much better than some damn cliche jewelry.

4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Sherlock Holmes. Robert Downey Jr. . .you're a charismatic bastard, you are.

5. What is your favorite T.V. Show?
TRUE BLOOD! Vampires acting like vampires- it's so novel and wonderful. (Ask Me About My Hatred of Twilight.)

6. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Yogurt & granola, oatmeal, eggs or some fantastically horrible thing we have at the office (like half-stale leftover birthday cake or breakfast tacos. . .mmmm health food).

7. What is your middle name?
Anne. My initials spell tree residue. Still lobbying to change it to Jesus (my parents' names are Mary and Joseph) so I can be SJP. . .but obviously this would be an upgrade from "Jessica".

8. What food do you dislike?
Most land animals with very specific & few exceptions, olives, melons, any candy that is not chocolate, inferior chocolate, babies (possibly also considered a land animal)

9. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
Bootie Mix '09, the very best in mash-ups that the Internets has to offer. Download for free, here: http://www.bootiemashup.com/bestof/

10. Favorite Clothing?
My £71 sweatpants that I love to wear with my stiletto booties. HIGH FASHION!

11. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
New Zealand. Anywhere but Siberia or any African nation currently undergoing civil war, pretty much. Or anywhere in Mexico I am likely to get shot or kidnapped. Not the sort of "authentic local experience" I'm really looking for.

12. Are you an organized person?

I can find all of my shit (except for my Passport, come to think of it) but you probably could not. However if this was a job interview: my spreadsheets have spreadsheets.

13. Where would you like to retire?

Texas Hill Country, southern Italy on the Mediterranean. . .you know, I'm pretty easy.

14. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
24 was pretty awesome because it lasted nearly a month with belated celebrations happening. 25, however, will be a FUCK YEAH LEVEL 4!!! birthday.

15. What are you going to do when you finish this?
Probably indulge in some more whimsical fuckery on Regretsy.

16. Furthest place you are sending this?
Email travels the world. We know this and rejoice in the saved postage. No one cares.

17. Person you expect to send it back first?
Old Gregg. It would make a nice break from his afternoon of watercolors, Baileys, doodling "Mrs. Howard Moon" in his notebook and conditioning his seaweed.

18. When is your BIRTHDAY?
September 29th is when I celebrate my Womb Emancipation.

19. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Both, unfortunately. Soon I'll be on the P.Diddy schedule of sleeping once every 72hrs. (We're close. I follow him on Twitter. He makes more sense than MC Hammer, which isn't really that hard to do. GO HAMM ON IT! Yeah I don't know what that means either.)

20. Do you have any animals?
CATS.

Also unikeys.

21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
My sorority had me call them and give them my information to be part of an Alumnae Directory, then tried to sell me said glorified phone book for $100. During the conversation they asked me in two different ways if I was married and refused to let me put my cats down as children.

I get to send in a photo of my choice and a short personal essay. This is going to be fun.

22. What did you want to be when you were little?
Belly-dancing truck driver. Of semi-trucks. I made an illustrated pop-up book about it in high school. My plan was to belly dance at the truck stops. I hadn't learned about issues of personal safety yet, apparently. (I came up with this plan at age 2.)

23. What is your favorite flower?
Gerbera Daisy (only Elyse will get this, but: SET YOUR ALARM FOR CHICKEN!)

24. What is a date on the calendar to which you are looking forward?
December 21, 2012.

25. What was the last thing you ate?
A free parfait sample at Fancy Chick-fil-a

26. Do you wish upon stars?
I scared away one of the design interns with my fervent love of amateur astronomy, talking about the newly remastered/re-released Whirlpool Galaxy photos.

27. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
What color is whimsical fuckery? Probably purple.

28 . How is the weather right now?
You're really grasping for conversation here, survey. If you were trying to work up to asking me out on a date, I would probably turn you down.

29. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
I just listened to a voicemail from Jamie at Martial Way Academy, the place where I train in kickboxing. I almost passed out twice this morning during the 6am class because it turns out yesterday's diet of cheesecake, beer and a frozen burrito was not enough to sustain an intense early-morning workout. WHO KNEW.

30. Favorite soft drink.
I have a fountain Diet Coke every once in a while (I have a fervent hatred of Dr. Pepper, do not bring that shit anywhere near me) but never more than two because I fear turning out like Aunt Alida who- and let me make it clear that I am absolutely not exaggerating here- goes through EIGHT 12-packs of Diet Coke a week. A WEEK. The woman cannot possibly have any bones left.

31. Favorite restaurant?
Can anyone explain to me why The Cheesecake Factory has faux-Egyptian decor? And decorations that look like the Eye of Sauron? This is not my favorite restaurant by any means, I am just confused as hell.

32. Hair color?
After many years and unfortunate decisions- including the week my hair was four different colors and for two days at a time resembled either Vitamin C (". . .put a smile on your faaaace") or Angela from My So-Called Life (but even more maroon)- we are finally back to the natural auburn and HERE WE WILL STAY.

33. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Roe. If you have not 'met' Roe, I will probably present him to you as a means to freak you out. Small, lumpy and grey, he is supposed to be a gorilla and was once a bright reddish orange; he has traveled more than some people (as I took him literally everywhere with me from the age of 8 months to 10 years) and almost been left in numerous exotic locations, including the sheets of a bed in New Mexico and an antique store in small-town Somewhere.

I cried and we went back to get him (that was both times). The owner had left him sitting on the porch in a rocking chair (this was obviously not the incident with the sheets, where I found him in the sheets).

Now several brain transplants of cotton balls, new arms and several eye surgeries with black paint later, holes have ripped in Roe's head to resemble eyebrows and YET HE LIVES ON. There's even a voice we do for him.

(And my parents totally don't get why people are massively unsettled by him.)

34. Summer or winter?
There is a reason I live in Texas and it is not for the chicken-fried bacon in Snook.

35. Chocolate or vanilla?
Pumpkin.

36. Coffee or tea?
The Aquatic Cousins live on caffeine and dreams.

37. Favorite food of all time?
Cheese. Unless wine is a food?

38. Do you want your friends to email you back?
I hate all of you.

39. When was the last time you cried?

When Elizabetsy's kitten Otis died. I called my father, who is hard of hearing and consequently we ended up having two separate conversations.

"Well when they get old, sometimes it's just time, you know?"
"No Dad, it was a kitten. A KITTEN."
"How old?"
"LESS THAN A YEAR OLD. KI-TT-EN."
"Oh. Well that's just too bad then."

This may or may not have been the night I spent three hours on the phone with him until nearly one in the morning wherein we discussed many historical events including the downfall of extremely high-waisted men's pants, held up with short suspenders. I have a quote from him somewhere about how "you'd have to use a hacksaw and bend yourself in two" in order to wear those pants now. I don't even know. We may both have been drinking.

40. What is under your bed?
The souls of uninteresting children.

41. What did you do last night?
Drove into the suburbs to watch the Super Bowl, consequently having a mild panic attack in the car upon seeing children's toys in the yards and imagining block parties and parents yelling at you to SLOW DOWN, THERE ARE CHILDREN when you are driving 10mph. . .OH GOD OH GOD I JUST LEFT HERE SIX YEARS AGO IT'S TOO SOON TO BE BACK TOO SOOOOON!

I never want to live more than a few miles away from downtown.

42. What are you afraid of?
Clowns. Pregnancy. The suburbs. Needles.

44. Best quality you have?
Whimsical Fuckery.

45. How many years at your current job?
If you are to believe my keychain, I am FULL-TIME AWESOME and that's been pretty much my whole life.

46. Favorite day of the week?
Caturday.

7. Positive or negative?
Workout Boyfriend doesn't think I'm as much of an optimist as I clearly am, but I think he's just projecting himself onto me, being the "realist" that he is (read: pessimist).

48. How many people will you send this to?
I'll just blind-copy everyone and then YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, SURVEY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.

49. How many will respond?
I'm tired.

50. Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends?
I really hope Rebecca fills this out. In the guise of Old Gregg.


-AC2

It's a New Year, My Dear.

I am not entirely sure, Readers Dear, how we have managed to already traipse along the month of January in the year of our Lord Old Gregg 2010 to the twelfth day.

The Aquatic Cousins have been engaged in separate journeys thus far in this new year and new decade (oh shut up I know it's not really a new decade, but some of us are eager for fresh starts over here)- I, AC2, went camping on the Eve of New Year's Eve in the forty degree weather because that was an amazing idea and subsequently had my voice repossessed in the Return of My Christmas Illness.

On actual New Year's Eve I still wore my blue dress with the Lady Gaga shoulder pads (I really wish I had a proper photo of that to show you, but I failed in my usual zest for photography) and croaked at friends and co-workers in the early hours of our Fresh New Start while drinking champagne from everything but a proper champagne glass. I am classy to the end, my dears. To the end.

AC1 went to a magical concert (INDOORS! Where it is warm!) of our previously recommended musical loves Flosstradamus and I am sure she will fill you in on her happenings there at a later date.

In semi-related news, I received not one, but TWO Edward Cullen dolls over the course of the holidays. You may assume one of the following from this statement of unfortunate fact:

1) I am secretly a die-hard Twilight fan and make out with both of them before I go to bed every night/am going to order that Regretsy wall decor to cement my stance in life

2) I hate everyone that I know

3) I firmly believe that Robert Pattinson is crying somewhere because all these creepy likenesses of him are roaming around the face of the planet/the bag of that creepy lady

I think you can probably figure out my stance on the matter of Twilight, especially if I point you in the direction of something lovely I was sent by two different people in the course of several minutes last night, including my boss. (I was also Re-Tweeted the same @FakeAPStylebook entry within minutes this morning. . .so basically The Internets at Large knows me as a Crazy Cat Lady with a hatred of all mediocre vampire literature. Awesome.)

As far as Resolutions go, I hereby declare the following for the Aquatic Cousins:

1. Complete Bedazzling Project
2. Commence and Complete Disco!Deer Project
   
3. Engage in the Consumption of Cooks Together, on One or Both Occasions
   
4. Be More Awesome (this may not actually be possible)
   

I haven't run those past AC1 but I'm sure she'll agree that they are more than worthy for our conduct in this New Year.

This is AC2 (using a photo of AC1) wishing you a prosperous and joyful New Year.

It's a New Years Kiss, from the Aquatic Cousins to you, baby.

-AC2

Bonus AC2 Entry: I wish I had a croissant to go with that hat

In semi-related Longhorn Football news, I stopped by DSW today ostensibly to shop for a replacement pair of black pumps (mine are all kinds of dead- woe) but found something much more beauteous instead: that there burnt orange knit beret. If only it were actually cold here in Texas for the majority of football season; I'd have reason to drop twenty on it. (I would do it anyway, if it came with a case of chocolate croissants or something. Take note, manufacturers.)

As it is, we are only just starting to experience highs not in the triple-digits (bless you rain!) here in Mighty Texas and I pretty much consider this a thoughtful birthday gift from the universe. Well, that and the person with the fetching accent (British) who has a cubicle near mine at the office so I get to listen to them talk. . .okay that sounds creepy when I put it that way. Ahem.

It's truly amazing how maladroit (WORD OF THE DAY!) I can be considering I'm getting my MA in Interpersonal Communication, huh? That would also be the reason I don't date, you guys. OH HAI I'M AWKWARD. (Sadly this is the moment when most of my ex-boyfriends would chime in with "It's a good thing you're pretty". Gee guys, I wonder why we broke up.) I mean, I have an OKC profile and all. . .but let's just not go there, shall we? Now I'm just embarrassing myself.

Ahem.

I do plan to do my best to join AC1 in tailgate fun this Saturday, however I will not be able to make it out until later in the afternoon* as I have my UT Sailing Alumni Regatta on Saturday morning! I will now address several of your questions:

1) yes, UT has a sailing team and it has been around since the '60s
2) yes I sailed on it in college (and refused to ever learn how to skipper)
3) yes I do have a tendency to choose violent, expensive hobbies (ironic considering how accident-prone I am)
4)no our calendar is no longer for sale- sorry

Here is a picture of me with a boat that I actually sailed in, to make you feel better:

This was at Women's Sailing Nationals, circa 2007. The lovely lady with me was my skipper, the lovely Miss KJ. She is also my second wife, but that is something of a long story involving hand-holding, a tiara, my 21st birthday and a drunk, overly-excited man hanging out the window of his truck.

Anyway, the Alumni Regatta is more. . .festive, shall we say, than the other regattas hosted by the team wherein they actually compete in their region to be able to compete at the national level. Hands down the very best thing I did in college and I am glad I snuggled it and loved it as much as I could because damn do I miss it now! Although hitting things is coming in a nice second as a beloved, violent and expensive hobby.

PS: OPEN HOUSE WITH MARTIAL WAY THIS WEEK! Only three days left, but I will be there! Okay I won't be there Saturday because I'll be sailing, but. . .you know. Go and try out any class you may fancy, except the fanciful really hard advanced ones. We wouldn't want you to die.

Alright kids, it's off to bed for this intrepid young. . .uh. . .cat lady? Sure. Intrepid young Cat Lady. Going to try to conquer all again tomorrow, because today I just took a nap instead.

-AC2

*So you might be thinking, "Hey, that game doesn't start until like 7pm, right?" and yes you would be right- and also clearly know nothing about how incredibly hardcore some of these tailgating folk are; some groups send out hungover and wayward freshman as early as sunrise to pitch tents and set up general merriment areas for the tailgating that often commences before noon. Alumni invest in $200,000 RVs with Longhorn decorating schemes so they can drink beer in comfort near the stadium, all day long.

It is an experience, people. If you ever get invited, your ass should say YES.

Whence from an Aquatic Cousin comes. And cats.

To your left: "The Origins of Aquatic Cousin Two" or "This Probably Explains a Lot".

In the grand tradition of passing the Internet from mother to daughter, my mother delights in forwarding me emails that contain stories about/pictures of dogs, cats or chimpanzees. We take great delight as a family in creating "Monk-E-mails" (bless you CareerBuilder, for making this possible) and sending them to unsuspecting friends and relatives who most likely greet the offering with confusion and mild/mingled horror and amusement.

Today, for example, I finally got around to checking out a link to this article for Paw Nation (Something I'd probably entitle the newsletter about cats you know I'll be writing in twenty years when I'm a certified Cat Lady) that Mom had emailed me last week or so. . .and then realized that I had just read an ARTICLE about a website featuring nothing but cats, sitting in sinks. Literally, CatsinSinks.com. Maybe with a redesign this website would be more interesting, but so far I'm rating it far below LOLcats and their continual quest for cheezburgers.

Observe. Fig 1:

Here we have a cat, sitting in a sink. I, for one, would like some snappy dialogue with that.

Fig 2:

Definite improvement. Now we know what the cats are thinking.

Yes, this is pretty much what I do with my spare time when I have headaches and am skulking around the BDH of Aquatic Cousin One, siphoning off use of Internet and laundry facilities while she's being tortured by small children at work: rate cat websites. Ah, the glamorous life of those who work from home! Where may I order some self-discipline? And can it be combined in a capsule with Excedrin Migrane, because boy howdy have I needed some of that today.

My own cats are probably extremely angry at me because I haven't been home in about 24hrs. They have plenty of food and water and a clean litterbox, but this does not stop them from being vindictive little bastards when I am not there to give them attention all the damn time, like they are some kind of dogs. Last time I was gone for this approximation of time, I came home to an easy chair knocked over in the living room and angry cat vomit all over the couch cover. Ten days in Spain two summers ago bought me am armoire door half-torn off of its hinges so they could snuggle (and shed on) all of my sweaters.

The photo to your right is a perfect illustration of their respective natures; Gaia is laying on my chest on top of whatever book I was attempting to read for maximum GIVE ME ATTENTION BITCH-ness, while Kitten is barely visible in the background next to my copy of Watchmen, looking for all the world like he is dead or passed out.

Poor Kitten (true name Marmalade, but that is too many syllables for regular use) is semi-retarded; he thinks he can climb walls and once licked a lobster in its "face". He has also been known to scale countertops/the top of the fridge in a quest to drink from a cup that had bleach in it. Natural selection really has it out for that cat. Gaia on the other hand is an Egyptian Mau, dead smart, and uses her powers for evil. She also meows constantly which balances out nicely that Kitten has forgotten he has vocal chords/how to use them.

Another time I'll tell you about their old roommate Jung sa ya aka The Chubbers aka Fat Cat. Because I know you want more entries about cats, and cats that don't even belong to an Aquatic Cousin. (To relate this somehow back to aquatic-ness, I'll add that Kitten loves water. He lays in wait behind the toilet while I shower so he can roll around in the damp shower curtain when I get out. Apparently this is a holdover from whatever common ancestor of them/tigers was into water. Gaia, wholly smarter, only drinks it from her bowl. Kitten steals objects from me, especially hair ties and puts them in his water bowl. Delicious.)

Thus concludes today's entry about cats. I hope you enjoyed it. Mrow.

-AC2