Get to Know AC2. Intimately.

It's 2010, you guys and that means new and exciting forms of communication and bonding are happening. Yesterday I came across this amazing thing known as an EMAIL SURVEY. It is an unprecedented form of information-sharing across groups of friends. Probably you have never heard of it, because Aquatic Cousins are pretty much ON THE CUTTING EDGE. Of many things- like fashion, technology, muppets. Trufax.

Below is a copy of the EMAIL SURVEY I received from my dear friend Nicole and decided to perpetuate to many of my other friends so that they might learn intimate facts and details about me. Now it's your turn, reader dear.

Feel special. Because you are. I think you're pretty, too.

____________________________________________

Welcome to the 2010 edition of getting to know your friends. (This is also known as a "survey" which you may or may not have experienced countless forwards of in junior high. We're bringing it back, much like the Track Pant is the new TROUSER OF THE SEASON!! Don't believe me? Just check the London Times Online.)

How a survey works, in case you have been chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor all this time, somehow managed to survive and yet have not learned this vital internet skill: Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including the person who sent it to you. The idea is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you might not have known! I think the person that wrote this doesn't know about Facebook.

Just press the 'forward' button then you can erase my answers and add yours. (This direction included for those still using AOL aka don't understand the Internet or email.)

1. High heels or boots?
I keep a pair of roller skates in the office just so I can deliver beer to people while wearing them. (There is a keg in my office.)

2. What time did you get up this morning?
5:30, and went to 6am kickboxing. Do not be impressed; I've only managed this three other times. Usually I repeatedly press the snooze button, trying to remember what I was dreaming about. (Which often includes knife-fights; I think I've been watching too much Legend of the Seeker.)

3. Diamonds or pearls?
Probably you have heard my rant about how diamonds are not rare (see: diamond tipped saw blades) and are horribly overpriced because the DeBeers family owns all of them and just keeps train-car loads back to drive up prices.

Personally I'd rather have a typewriter, the Austin is Magical unicorn shirt (featuring a unicorn wearing cowboy boots) or the FUCK YEAH LEVEL 4!!! Regretsy mug, in the stainless steel commuter style.

Tell me that is not so much better than some damn cliche jewelry.

4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Sherlock Holmes. Robert Downey Jr. . .you're a charismatic bastard, you are.

5. What is your favorite T.V. Show?
TRUE BLOOD! Vampires acting like vampires- it's so novel and wonderful. (Ask Me About My Hatred of Twilight.)

6. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Yogurt & granola, oatmeal, eggs or some fantastically horrible thing we have at the office (like half-stale leftover birthday cake or breakfast tacos. . .mmmm health food).

7. What is your middle name?
Anne. My initials spell tree residue. Still lobbying to change it to Jesus (my parents' names are Mary and Joseph) so I can be SJP. . .but obviously this would be an upgrade from "Jessica".

8. What food do you dislike?
Most land animals with very specific & few exceptions, olives, melons, any candy that is not chocolate, inferior chocolate, babies (possibly also considered a land animal)

9. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
Bootie Mix '09, the very best in mash-ups that the Internets has to offer. Download for free, here: http://www.bootiemashup.com/bestof/

10. Favorite Clothing?
My £71 sweatpants that I love to wear with my stiletto booties. HIGH FASHION!

11. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
New Zealand. Anywhere but Siberia or any African nation currently undergoing civil war, pretty much. Or anywhere in Mexico I am likely to get shot or kidnapped. Not the sort of "authentic local experience" I'm really looking for.

12. Are you an organized person?

I can find all of my shit (except for my Passport, come to think of it) but you probably could not. However if this was a job interview: my spreadsheets have spreadsheets.

13. Where would you like to retire?

Texas Hill Country, southern Italy on the Mediterranean. . .you know, I'm pretty easy.

14. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
24 was pretty awesome because it lasted nearly a month with belated celebrations happening. 25, however, will be a FUCK YEAH LEVEL 4!!! birthday.

15. What are you going to do when you finish this?
Probably indulge in some more whimsical fuckery on Regretsy.

16. Furthest place you are sending this?
Email travels the world. We know this and rejoice in the saved postage. No one cares.

17. Person you expect to send it back first?
Old Gregg. It would make a nice break from his afternoon of watercolors, Baileys, doodling "Mrs. Howard Moon" in his notebook and conditioning his seaweed.

18. When is your BIRTHDAY?
September 29th is when I celebrate my Womb Emancipation.

19. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Both, unfortunately. Soon I'll be on the P.Diddy schedule of sleeping once every 72hrs. (We're close. I follow him on Twitter. He makes more sense than MC Hammer, which isn't really that hard to do. GO HAMM ON IT! Yeah I don't know what that means either.)

20. Do you have any animals?
CATS.

Also unikeys.

21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
My sorority had me call them and give them my information to be part of an Alumnae Directory, then tried to sell me said glorified phone book for $100. During the conversation they asked me in two different ways if I was married and refused to let me put my cats down as children.

I get to send in a photo of my choice and a short personal essay. This is going to be fun.

22. What did you want to be when you were little?
Belly-dancing truck driver. Of semi-trucks. I made an illustrated pop-up book about it in high school. My plan was to belly dance at the truck stops. I hadn't learned about issues of personal safety yet, apparently. (I came up with this plan at age 2.)

23. What is your favorite flower?
Gerbera Daisy (only Elyse will get this, but: SET YOUR ALARM FOR CHICKEN!)

24. What is a date on the calendar to which you are looking forward?
December 21, 2012.

25. What was the last thing you ate?
A free parfait sample at Fancy Chick-fil-a

26. Do you wish upon stars?
I scared away one of the design interns with my fervent love of amateur astronomy, talking about the newly remastered/re-released Whirlpool Galaxy photos.

27. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
What color is whimsical fuckery? Probably purple.

28 . How is the weather right now?
You're really grasping for conversation here, survey. If you were trying to work up to asking me out on a date, I would probably turn you down.

29. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
I just listened to a voicemail from Jamie at Martial Way Academy, the place where I train in kickboxing. I almost passed out twice this morning during the 6am class because it turns out yesterday's diet of cheesecake, beer and a frozen burrito was not enough to sustain an intense early-morning workout. WHO KNEW.

30. Favorite soft drink.
I have a fountain Diet Coke every once in a while (I have a fervent hatred of Dr. Pepper, do not bring that shit anywhere near me) but never more than two because I fear turning out like Aunt Alida who- and let me make it clear that I am absolutely not exaggerating here- goes through EIGHT 12-packs of Diet Coke a week. A WEEK. The woman cannot possibly have any bones left.

31. Favorite restaurant?
Can anyone explain to me why The Cheesecake Factory has faux-Egyptian decor? And decorations that look like the Eye of Sauron? This is not my favorite restaurant by any means, I am just confused as hell.

32. Hair color?
After many years and unfortunate decisions- including the week my hair was four different colors and for two days at a time resembled either Vitamin C (". . .put a smile on your faaaace") or Angela from My So-Called Life (but even more maroon)- we are finally back to the natural auburn and HERE WE WILL STAY.

33. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Roe. If you have not 'met' Roe, I will probably present him to you as a means to freak you out. Small, lumpy and grey, he is supposed to be a gorilla and was once a bright reddish orange; he has traveled more than some people (as I took him literally everywhere with me from the age of 8 months to 10 years) and almost been left in numerous exotic locations, including the sheets of a bed in New Mexico and an antique store in small-town Somewhere.

I cried and we went back to get him (that was both times). The owner had left him sitting on the porch in a rocking chair (this was obviously not the incident with the sheets, where I found him in the sheets).

Now several brain transplants of cotton balls, new arms and several eye surgeries with black paint later, holes have ripped in Roe's head to resemble eyebrows and YET HE LIVES ON. There's even a voice we do for him.

(And my parents totally don't get why people are massively unsettled by him.)

34. Summer or winter?
There is a reason I live in Texas and it is not for the chicken-fried bacon in Snook.

35. Chocolate or vanilla?
Pumpkin.

36. Coffee or tea?
The Aquatic Cousins live on caffeine and dreams.

37. Favorite food of all time?
Cheese. Unless wine is a food?

38. Do you want your friends to email you back?
I hate all of you.

39. When was the last time you cried?

When Elizabetsy's kitten Otis died. I called my father, who is hard of hearing and consequently we ended up having two separate conversations.

"Well when they get old, sometimes it's just time, you know?"
"No Dad, it was a kitten. A KITTEN."
"How old?"
"LESS THAN A YEAR OLD. KI-TT-EN."
"Oh. Well that's just too bad then."

This may or may not have been the night I spent three hours on the phone with him until nearly one in the morning wherein we discussed many historical events including the downfall of extremely high-waisted men's pants, held up with short suspenders. I have a quote from him somewhere about how "you'd have to use a hacksaw and bend yourself in two" in order to wear those pants now. I don't even know. We may both have been drinking.

40. What is under your bed?
The souls of uninteresting children.

41. What did you do last night?
Drove into the suburbs to watch the Super Bowl, consequently having a mild panic attack in the car upon seeing children's toys in the yards and imagining block parties and parents yelling at you to SLOW DOWN, THERE ARE CHILDREN when you are driving 10mph. . .OH GOD OH GOD I JUST LEFT HERE SIX YEARS AGO IT'S TOO SOON TO BE BACK TOO SOOOOON!

I never want to live more than a few miles away from downtown.

42. What are you afraid of?
Clowns. Pregnancy. The suburbs. Needles.

44. Best quality you have?
Whimsical Fuckery.

45. How many years at your current job?
If you are to believe my keychain, I am FULL-TIME AWESOME and that's been pretty much my whole life.

46. Favorite day of the week?
Caturday.

7. Positive or negative?
Workout Boyfriend doesn't think I'm as much of an optimist as I clearly am, but I think he's just projecting himself onto me, being the "realist" that he is (read: pessimist).

48. How many people will you send this to?
I'll just blind-copy everyone and then YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, SURVEY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.

49. How many will respond?
I'm tired.

50. Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends?
I really hope Rebecca fills this out. In the guise of Old Gregg.


-AC2

It's a New Year, My Dear.

I am not entirely sure, Readers Dear, how we have managed to already traipse along the month of January in the year of our Lord Old Gregg 2010 to the twelfth day.

The Aquatic Cousins have been engaged in separate journeys thus far in this new year and new decade (oh shut up I know it's not really a new decade, but some of us are eager for fresh starts over here)- I, AC2, went camping on the Eve of New Year's Eve in the forty degree weather because that was an amazing idea and subsequently had my voice repossessed in the Return of My Christmas Illness.

On actual New Year's Eve I still wore my blue dress with the Lady Gaga shoulder pads (I really wish I had a proper photo of that to show you, but I failed in my usual zest for photography) and croaked at friends and co-workers in the early hours of our Fresh New Start while drinking champagne from everything but a proper champagne glass. I am classy to the end, my dears. To the end.

AC1 went to a magical concert (INDOORS! Where it is warm!) of our previously recommended musical loves Flosstradamus and I am sure she will fill you in on her happenings there at a later date.

In semi-related news, I received not one, but TWO Edward Cullen dolls over the course of the holidays. You may assume one of the following from this statement of unfortunate fact:

1) I am secretly a die-hard Twilight fan and make out with both of them before I go to bed every night/am going to order that Regretsy wall decor to cement my stance in life

2) I hate everyone that I know

3) I firmly believe that Robert Pattinson is crying somewhere because all these creepy likenesses of him are roaming around the face of the planet/the bag of that creepy lady

I think you can probably figure out my stance on the matter of Twilight, especially if I point you in the direction of something lovely I was sent by two different people in the course of several minutes last night, including my boss. (I was also Re-Tweeted the same @FakeAPStylebook entry within minutes this morning. . .so basically The Internets at Large knows me as a Crazy Cat Lady with a hatred of all mediocre vampire literature. Awesome.)

As far as Resolutions go, I hereby declare the following for the Aquatic Cousins:

1. Complete Bedazzling Project
2. Commence and Complete Disco!Deer Project
   
3. Engage in the Consumption of Cooks Together, on One or Both Occasions
   
4. Be More Awesome (this may not actually be possible)
   

I haven't run those past AC1 but I'm sure she'll agree that they are more than worthy for our conduct in this New Year.

This is AC2 (using a photo of AC1) wishing you a prosperous and joyful New Year.

It's a New Years Kiss, from the Aquatic Cousins to you, baby.

-AC2

Gregg Phone: Does not have tutu, decidedly not aquatic

In keeping with my (AC2 or Sparker, if you will) incredibly varied sense of coordination, I managed to drop Gregg the 3G iPhone into a glass of water sitting in my cup-holder on Friday evening as I was leaving Zen with my tasty takeout wares.

Usually there is a party* in my cupholders and not water. But though Gregg Phone was named for Old Gregg of Mighty Boosh fame, he is not in fact semi-aquatic as his namesake is, or at least doesn't seem to be after spending two days in a bag of rice and being charged overnight. I still hold out slim hope, but I'm guessing he has died an early death at the age of one year. I am sad. He was loved and also I am broke and not sure I can afford to replace him in the manner I would wish to.

Let's have a moment of silence for brave Gregg Phone, who tried to imitate the semi-aquatic ways of both his owner and his namesake. Deep breath. Let us now move on to happier and more prosperous waters: COUSIN ADVENTURES!

The Aquatic Cousins have been adventuring somewhat seperately lately, with AC1 visiting Empty Chair Cousin in San Fran and AC2 (me) holding down the BDH** fort with the Pointy-eared Canine Brigade (pictured below) while attempting to work and avoid my thesis at all costs, instead playing with AC1's closet and making new outfits from its contents. Also I did laundry last night.

Pointy-eared Canine Brigade

I did, however, have a fabulous adventure with work bestie Elyse- on Halloween after taking the Pointy-eared Canine Brigade for a long walk through the park, she suggested we randomly venture to Houston to see Hanson in concert. I agreed, as long as we left early the next day to return to the dogs, lest they be neglected in my charge (they are my nephews, after all).

At this point, Dear Reader, you are probably having one of a few reactions:
1) Holy shit, I haven't thought about Hanson in years. Aren't they all married now or something? They're still around doing musical things? (Yes and yes.)
2) Hahaha Hanson is so stupid! Did they play MmmBop? Do they all still look like girls? (Well Taylor rather looked like a gay pirate, but we'll get to that in a minute.)
3) OMG I LOVE HANSON! (You are probably the rarer reader and possibly named Laura Taylor)
4) I'm hungry. (You're a person after my own stomach, Reader Dear)

I have to say, I am up for pretty much any random adventure and what happened in the course of this evening- involving a faux Spanish man from Craigslist and my costume of "The Death of All Your Hopes and Dreams" among other things- most definitely qualified in all aspects. I mean, their encore was a cover of Thriller.



Does that not say it all? My favorite part is the guy from one of the opening bands who is just wandering around the stage with a beer. The video doesn't show it, but he basically fell off of the stage headfirst, between stage and barrier. That's the part where Taylor stops singing and starts laughing, looking mightily like a gay pirate (he had stripped off the other components of their costume as The Three Amigos) as he goes to help him back up.

After the show we met up with my first wife/godsister/bestie Rebecca and her husband Michael who were on a pub crawl in Montrose (this act combined both my love for them and my need to not sleep in my car or drive back to Austin at midnight). Elyse and I were sadly without costume as we had assumed the concert would get out a bit later than it did, but I still had my temporary roller derby tattoos on from work the day before (see: photo at top of this post; please do not think I'd be dumb enough to ever actually get an Ed Hardy neck tattoo) and since I was wearing a sweater and a t-shirt I just started telling people I was dressed as "the death of all your hopes and dreams".

Now that's a scary costume.

Additionally, if you are ever in the Montrose area of Houston and looking for a delicious old-fashioned cocktail, I recommend you stop by Anvil. It's a bit pricey if you're not going for their special, but trust me- an Airmail is worth it (and if you're used to buying drinks in NY or LA, $9 might not seem so horrendous).

I did wish that Elyse had brought her costume, because it was the height of awesome and showed up all other Little Red Riding Hoods I have seen before or since- with a steampunk corset and custom-made hood she will probably reign supreme for many more moons to come.

(Photo credit to Oliver Wong, esteemed co-worker of ours. You may peruse more of his awesome work on his Flickr page, if you are into that stalkery kind of thing.)

To your right: please observe the awesome; corset not pictured but can be imagined.

After a sexy buffet breakfast at Baba Yega Sunday morning, we journeyed back to Austin-town and the swift return of realities. . .but not before taking the Pointy-eared Canine Brigade to the park for some choice tennis ball chasing action. I am an excellent Auntie, after all.

-AC2


*Party in my Cup Holders: this does not mean drinking and driving, but instead refers to the ambient lighting that changes across a rainbow of colors when a certain button is pressed; runs inside my cup holders and around the foot area in the front and back seats (this feature also solely responsible for the naming of my vehicle as Lafayette)

**BDH: again, this is Barbie Dreamhouse, residence of AC1 and chock full of awesome

Old Gregg was there in his tutu and canoe somewhere, probably

The Aquatic Cousins got a chance to flex their semi-aquatic muscles this past weekend, at the Austin City Limits (ACL) music festival, thanks to some torrential down-pouring of rain. This turned poor lovely Zilker park into a mudpit and made the people who put down the sod several months ago that had it so beautiful and shining mere days before most likely cry with tears of intense sadness. But those tears were probably washed away in the rain and added to the mud, so it doesn't much matter anyway.

I'm really glad I'm not one of those guys. Hey, look at me- I'm sensitive.

Friday I did not attend the festival but AC1 and Umbrella Dancing Cousin did, enjoying the lovely weather and beautiful grass before monsoon season came upon us Saturday. Umbrella Dancing Cousin, however, missed out on this waterpark-with-a-soundtrack as she decided to return to Ft. Worth and I benefited heartily by making sure her wristband wasn't lonely and got to return to the festival through Sunday. (Pictured above with AC1 and AC2 is not Umbrella Dancing, cousin; that is Blanket Cousin. She has been so named because a throw blanket was her choice of rain gear.)

Having lived in the great city of Austin for the past five years you may be surprised, Dear Reader, to discover that this was my first foray into ACL- and enjoy it I did! Giant beers for the drinking, veggie burgers for the non-cow eating, port-a-potties for everyone, amazing judging looks from hipsters in hippie headbands aimed uncomfortably at you for several minutes as they pass you by! It's all magical. Even in the rain.

Observe: AC2 happily in a semi-aquatic, musical environment

In anticipation of the ground Sunday, the Aquatic Cousins went on a bit of a mad shopping dash to every store that might have ever thought about stocking rain boots or ponchos in the history of ever- only to find all of them sold out. ALL OF THEM. SOLD OUT. Finally we resorted to Academy- lo and behold!. . .they had giant camo man boots. BUT! They also had camo hunting boots and matching umbrella accessories. You bet your cushy ass I bought them both. Behold, the glory:

You can see that AC1 owns actual galoshes. My hunting boots are MOLD PROOF! and lasted the day out nicely, gathering roughly 1/3 of Zilker onto themselves which was more recently washed down my shower drain and into the plumbing system of my apartment building.

AC1 will have more to add about our adventures I am certain, as well as pictures of the sexy outfits we wore around the park. Imagine our mad dancing to Raveonettes (well, we were busy drinking our first 24oz beers at that point, so we were dancing only in our heads really) and Girl Talk dressed up so.

Naturally we were also inspired to start our own band (a highly unique enterprise in Austin, may I assure you) and happily my friend Elizabetsy can play not only the piano and the flute, but also the accordion. She is so in our band.

-AC2

The Seat of Old Gregg lies at Aquarena Springs

All things AQUATIC!

[To your right, you may see an image that confuses you. Do not panic. This shiny jacket, flowing seaweed hair and tutu are only those of the chosen deity of the Aquatic Cousins- or AC2, at least- Lord Old Gregg.

Originating from The Mighty Boosh, AC2 and her bestie added the "Lord" to distinguish him as he rightfully is- a god among the universe. He did, after all, discover the Funk Shake for which we all must worship him. I anoint thee in Baileys in His name.]

Some of you may be wondering- and with good reason- why exactly we call ourselves The Aquatic Cousins when so far the only liquid that you've really heard mentioned has been Sophies/cases of Sophies (which you should still feel free to send us).

With that I give you: HORRIFYING PHOTOS! of our adventure into the sometimes terrifying and always wonderful world of SCUBA! (AC1 will thank me for this later, I'm sure).

About to dive into the deeps of Aquarena Springs

Diving aroundHey look at us! We emerge from the waters! Triumphant!

I don't know how many of you may have ever been to Aquarena Springs, but Aquatic Cousin 1 and I spent a fair amount of time there in our youth watching the mermaid shows and dreaming of the day that we would be old enough and glamorous enough to wear a bikini top and a fake tail, breathing out of a hose for 45 minutes in freezing water, pretending to drink out of a coke bottle and swimming through hoops for the amusement of the general public. . .which probably just included over-excited seven-year-olds such as ourselves, and creepy old men.

We fulfilled our dream in a somewhat twisted way (oh Fate, you trickster you!) by swimming through the now-defunct mermaid course, going through hoops covered in algae and recovering hair ties from the moss-covered Seat of Old Gregg- or the oversized clam shells the mermaids used to sit on. I used my surface time while AC1 was completing some of her dive tasks to wave my hot pink flippers at small children cruising by in the glass bottom boats, which made them shriek with joy and wave frantically back. MERMAID DREAMS PARTIALLY FULFILLED!

We looked much less glamorous in our scuba gear (even if our gear is pretty damn swanky. . .you just can't compete with fake mermaid tails, nor would I advise you to try) but at least the wet suits ensured we did not freeze to death. Of course we almost passed out walking in the million degree heat to the dive site wearing all of our gear, but that just made the water that much more refreshing!

Overall the Aquatic Cousins were excited to be open water diving certified as well as receiving our peak buoyancy certification, all courtesy of the infinitely patient instructor we liked to call Scuba Bob. He, unfortunately(?), has no idea that we called him that.

I now show everyone my scuba IDs (you apparently get a separate one for every single certification, which must be interesting if you're up to the level of being a rescue diver or something) solely because they feature different random sea life on the back. Apparently scuba certification means SCHOOL OF FISH! or REALLY BIG WHALE! to the people crafting these things. I don't ask questions, I just pull them out in bars going HEY LOOK AT THIS IT IS AWESOME.

Anyway, perhaps I should go forth and work on my fieldwork notes (grad school how you plague me with woe) since I fell asleep sitting upright on my couch last night, missing catch-up time and also my scheduled fieldwork. Apparently staying up til 5am on Thursday night/Friday morning watching River Wild (with AC1 passed out next to me on the couch) was not the best of ideas?

-AC2