I resolve, as always, to do all things better in the New Year. My favorite wordsmith puts it all quite well.
A wish, a toast, a statement. See you on the other side, the lot of you.
Aquatic Pal Val, Moi, Aquatic Cousin 1.
"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art-- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."
_________________
"I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."
_________________
"To absent friends, lost loves old gods and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due."
In honor of Christmas, the Aquatic Cousins offer you the following:
A Very Bad Cat Christmas!
Merry Happy Tra-la-la to you and yours- whether yours is a very Bad Cat, a very Floofy Cat, your terrifying and/or loving family or a strange woman next to you at the grocery store making chicken noises while choosing eggs*. Also if you don't celebrate Christmas at all, just use it as an excuse to drink.
This is what it has come to, until we can persuade AC1 to update. (And the actual wedding of Salsa Dancing Cousin is this weekend, so she'd better hurry up!)
Okay, loyal readers (and I think there might be six of you now) you deserve something more than that, so I have some treats for you. It was, after all, recently Zombie Jesus Day wherein America makes themselves sick on aphrodisiac versions of pagan fertility symbols which actually. . .makes more sense than expected.
Bonus: Aquatic Cousin Approved Crafting Tiiiiime!
Make your own bath mat out of wine corks! No, really. Go here.
And drink some Hello Kitty wine to replenish your stash, because you know friends and family are going to be all over wanting one of those mats for themselves.
Also: while we're on the subject of being crafty: Knitted Knockers! If you're a knitter, consider getting involved. AC1 is teaching me how, but. . .I have a long way to go.
What I'm aiming for: a soft, prosthetic boobie for women recovering from a mastectomy- cheaper and more breathable than a silicone falsie, not to mention available much sooner.
Where I am now: note the hole I somehow managed to create, along with the random loops on the sides, that I also have no idea how I created. I WIN AT KNITTING.
This entry features a lot of disjointed thoughts that more or less come together in the end. You're welcome.
Since I'm not terribly hip (I know, completely contrary to appearances, right?) I nearly always get my music passed along from my much cooler friends.
This morning I decided to develop the concept of "Positivity Tuesday" when I failed to get up at 5:30am to work on The Thesis of Doom and instead went back to sleep when the pets of the BDH swarmed on me with nefarious intentions of cuddling, en masse (there are two of them). At least I didn't oversleep like yesterday when my alarm failed to go off! See? Positivity Tuesday.
(At least I am well-rested!. . .Okay I know. I can stop now. But I probably won't. Donuts are good for you because they make you happy! Now you try.)
I'm also living vicariously through the song "Holiday" by Dizzee Rascal as a means to imagine myself in some sort of dysfunctional relationship wherein a man I hardly know pays for me to travel to exotic locals with only a bikini and my passport (which I should probably find in case I suddenly come upon such an offer this weekend). I have a good imagination! Positivity Tuesday.
But my true anthem as of late has been this little gem by Yeasayers, introduced to me by the glorious work bestie Elyse:
Ambling Alp.
My favorite bit of the lyrics are towards the end (I know there are names for sections of song but I've had too much caffeine to remember them right now).
Now the world can be an unfair place at times But your lows will have their compliment of highs And if anyone should cheat you Take advantage of or beat you raise your head And wear your wounds with pride
Because my thesis beats me. BUT I WILL WEAR MY WOUNDS WITH PRIDE, THESIS. I WILL WEAR THEM WITH PRIDE.
-AC2
And give me any motivational music recs you may have, in the comments. I need more to survive. I can only listen to these two songs on repeat so many times before I get tired of them and go back to listening to Ace of Base/The Spice Girls exclusively.
"Love is like a snowmobile, racing across the tundra when suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -Matt Groening
I'm posting this a bit early, in case you're also celebrating the Chinese New Year (we're going from the Year of the Ox to the Year of the Tiger- which, coincidentally, AC2 is an Ox and AC1 a Tiger) on Sunday along with any Hallmark Holidays on your horizon. Either way I figure you'll be drunk, so I might as well post this now. I could actually be drunk right now, as there was an ice-luge-sculpture in my office this morning and they were giving out shots of Patron, but I am apparently responsible.
If this is your Sunday, you're either more culturally diverse than me, or you have a rich husband.
Or, you know, trying to get them to hire me full-time and I figure barfing up my coffee and bagels in the kitchen in front of everyone is not really the way to go. Plus I was on a natural high from having won 2nd place in our office Valentine's Poetry Contest. As a special treat, I've included the text below. You're welcome.
I Love You More Than Socks: An Epic Love Poem By Sparker, Age 24.
I love you more than I love socks For you I would eat rocks While you were eating steak
I love you more than I love shoes I would need more than booze If our love you did forsake
I love you more than Cheetos Nothing really rhymes with Cheetos I think because they're orange
I love you more than naps And really cool bear traps That I've seen on the TV
I love you more than outer space And were you gone without a trace Well, that would be the end to me
I love you more than peanut butter Honey, I SWEAR, there isn't any other Do you believe me now?
I mean. . .
Indeed it is so true, for me there's only you- Here, I got you this ShamWow.
I know, right? That's pretty special. I personally illustrated some Valentines I'm mailing out to friends/family/internet strangers last night as well:
I should totally be an illustrator.
Anyway, I think that's enough Valentine's well-wishing for you. Go learn about neuroscience or something (CAUTION: contains pictures of cats. What. I got it from her. Don't look at me.)
Hallmark holidays sure are fun, aren't they? The brightly colored merchandise haunting you for months ahead of the actual holiday when you're just trying to buy some partially hydroginated oils in 2/3rds of your groceries, the candy sitting on the shelves for months ahead of the actual holiday (is it creepier that it doesn't go bad in that time?), down to the disappointment setting in months ahead of the actual holiday.
If you're alone, let's remind you and make you feel guilty about drinking 8 bottles of wine with your cats when really that's your activity of choice on any given Sunday. If you're in a couple, let's put tremendous pressure on the both of you to come up with THE MOST ROMANTICAL ACTIVITY OF ALL SPACE AND TIME involving-but-not-limited-to unicorns and air balloons. If you're a Twilight mom, let's give you another excuse to whine over the fact that no one will ever be perfect enough to stalk you and commit necrophilia with like Edward.
If you're of the simpering romantic sort, you are certainly in luck this year as there is an entire movie ripping the well-executed concept away from Love Actually and throwing in some teen stars and Kathy Bates for two scenes to try and expand their audience as much as possible- Valentine's Day!
This movie is completely unpredictable! I have no idea what's going to happen!
I actually used my Twitter account to predict the entire movie, as follows: @SparkerPantsSo I just saw a trailer for "Valentine's Day" & that looks horrible. I should start writing these unimaginative scripts. I have no shame. @SparkerPants Cast:workaholic but otherwise perfect woman in relationship with her vibrating Blackberry- check. Patrick Dempsey will play a doctor- check @SparkerPants An adorable young child will be adorable. The "perfect couple" will break up. Topher Grace will be slightly awkward/adorably unassuming. @SparkerPantsWolfboy will bring in the Twilight crowd. Kathy Bates has 2 scenes. Jamie Foxx, Queen Latifah & George Lopez provide DIVERSITY! Also: a dog @SparkerPantsJulia Roberts. . .is an off-duty soldier? Really? Hector Elizondo, remind her she's a hooker with a heart of gold. #valentinesday
Do I have to put "CAUTION: INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS SPOILERS" ahead of that if I haven't even seen the movie yet? Oh, I left out "finding love in an unexpected place" and "Anne Hathaway plays 'slightly racy' character to balance out Topher Grace's haplessness". Reader, I am counting on you not to care. Also I still really want to know how we went from several people named St. Valentine- whom we actually know little to nothing about- being matryed (and probably tortured/stoned/beheaded etc) and/or buried around February 14th to people giving each other half-sincere cards, dying foliage and chocolates of questionable origin and quality.
I mean, don't get me wrong I love presents and getting flowers and everything (because who fucking doesn't love presents, seriously), but I also recognize that getting plants from someone is not a soul-shaking, life-changing event. I do not cry when I get flowers. Unless the cats eat them, break the vase and then barf everywhere.
Happy Valentine's Day! I WANT TO EAT YOUR SOUL.
I can't speak for AC1, but my personal expectations fall more along the lines of wanting a typewriter, a FUCK YEAH LEVEL 4!!! Regretsy mug (in the stainless steel commuter style), or that Austin is Magical shirt with the unicorn wearing cowboy boots. Also my expectations for sweeping romance are pretty low, considering the only boyfriend I ever had on a Valentine's Day bought me raw fish and some HEB red roses (my favorite flower=Gerbera Daisy; my favorite cliche=white horses and pantaloons, not any sort of flower).
Basically I'm encouraging you to go do something you'll actually find fun on Sunday, rather than adhering to any stupid stereotypes. Unless stupid stereotypes are your kind of fun. In that case you're probably from my sorority and stop calling me, I don't want that fucking glorified $100 phonebook.
I am not entirely sure, Readers Dear, how we have managed to already traipse along the month of January in the year of our Lord Old Gregg 2010 to the twelfth day.
The Aquatic Cousins have been engaged in separate journeys thus far in this new year and new decade (oh shut up I know it's not really a new decade, but some of us are eager for fresh starts over here)- I, AC2, went camping on the Eve of New Year's Eve in the forty degree weather because that was an amazing idea and subsequently had my voice repossessed in the Return of My Christmas Illness.
On actual New Year's Eve I still wore my blue dress with the Lady Gaga shoulder pads (I really wish I had a proper photo of that to show you, but I failed in my usual zest for photography) and croaked at friends and co-workers in the early hours of our Fresh New Start while drinking champagne from everything but a proper champagne glass. I am classy to the end, my dears. To the end.
AC1 went to a magical concert (INDOORS! Where it is warm!) of our previously recommended musical loves Flosstradamus and I am sure she will fill you in on her happenings there at a later date.
In semi-related news, I received not one, but TWO Edward Cullen dolls over the course of the holidays. You may assume one of the following from this statement of unfortunate fact:
1) I am secretly a die-hard Twilight fan and make out with both of them before I go to bed every night/am going to order that Regretsywall decor to cement my stance in life
2) I hate everyone that I know
3) I firmly believe that Robert Pattinson is crying somewhere because all these creepy likenesses of him are roaming around the face of the planet/the bag of that creepy lady
I think you can probably figure out my stance on the matter of Twilight, especially if I point you in the direction of something lovely I was sent by two different people in the course of several minutes last night, including my boss. (I was also Re-Tweeted the same @FakeAPStylebookentry within minutes this morning. . .so basically The Internets at Large knows me as a Crazy Cat Lady with a hatred of all mediocre vampire literature. Awesome.)
As far as Resolutions go, I hereby declare the following for the Aquatic Cousins:
Complete Bedazzling Project
Commence and Complete Disco!Deer Project
Engage in the Consumption of Cooks Together, on One or Both Occasions
Be More Awesome (this may not actually be possible)
I haven't run those past AC1 but I'm sure she'll agree that they are more than worthy for our conduct in this New Year.
This is AC2 (using a photo of AC1) wishing you a prosperous and joyful New Year.
It's a New Years Kiss, from the Aquatic Cousins to you, baby.
You will be most proud to know, Readers Dear, that your esteemed Aquatic Cousin 2 (that would be me, Sparker) won her office holiday Tacky Sweater Contest. That would be a beer that I am holding to celebrate. Also, yes, I am wearing TWO tacky sweater simultaneously. Also-also: I received a choice pair of Grinch pajamas as my prize*, which you can bet your sweet ass I wore from that night through Christmas in my wave of unfortunate Christmas Illness.
(The main perk to being sick on Christmas as an adult only child is that your dad puts medicinal booze in your hot tea and mom lets you have control over the television so that all crazy aunts have to watch their "stories" in the back bedroom. Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, nurse me back to health with your wacky holiday hi-jinx!)
Ahem. I would like to put in an honorable mention to AC1, who loaned me those fahhhhbulous white furry boots to complete my ensemble, and JPatt** who originally crafted the fine outer sweater, which so far holds a 100% record in winning all tacky contests it has been a part of. Rejoice. Deck the Halls. Etc.
My Christmas gift from AC2. He has moved into my cubicle because I sure as hell don't want him at my apartment, watching me sleep.
I have also proudly won two Starbucks gift cards through my company's Twitter Holiday Stories contest- if you're on Twitter, post a holiday story with the hashtag #bvhs and you're up to win a $10 Starbucks giftcard prize each day and will go into the drawing to win the $500 AMEX card overall prize. You can read all of the winning stories here. My two winning posts (I did not cheat, thank you, I have two separate accounts) are as follows, in case you were in want of example and too lazy or drunk to click that other link:
@SparkerPants Favorite holiday moment of being a vegetarian: Aunt pulls bird out of oven, remarks "Oh! There were plastic bags of guts in there?" #bvhs
@Intrepid_InternThis will be my first Christmas as a newlywed, or it would be if I had gotten married in the last year. So 24th Xmas w/my delusions. #bvhs
Happy Holidays folks! We here at Aquatic Headquarters hope that you've gotten all that makes you Merry & Bright, or you've exchanged for it and did not die in the hordes of pre-teens questing after Twilight merchandise at the mall, or you've stockpiled enough booze and dangerous fireworks to use on Thursday to forget all of your worldly woes.
Cheers.
-AC2
* & ** really: Jpatt first debuted this sweater at a party we attended our sophomore year of college and won the contest; the prize, unfortunately, was a bottle of urine. I am not even joking. She also won a bear dressed in a unicorn suit which I was really upset she did not regift to me because I am seven.
Vintage holiday party enjoyments with the Patt of J.
A lot happens on the Cousin Front pretty regularly and sometimes it is with great sadness that we cannot tell you about all of it in the manner we would like. Some of it might get us arrested and some might just mildly scar our family members (we don't know anything about the roving pack of feral chihuahuas, trained to drink mescal and pick up ladies by Scrappy).
We do, however, want to wish you the merriest and happiest of holidays, starting right here and right now. It's only 11 days 'til Christmas, folks- make sure you place your orders for Sophies and Firefly for the Aquatic Cousins. We even write old-fashioned thank you notes, so it's completely worth your while to add us to your gifting listing.
To your above left: Merry Happy Holidays, you pagans with your yule logs and you Christians with your 6lb 8oz little infant baby Jesus who was actually most likely born in the spring. You guys crazy. I love you. Also to all you Hannukah and Kwanza celebrating folk- I wish you delicious potato pancakes (I saw a recipe for spicy sweet potato latkes- damn do they sound good) and a good reaffirming of your African roots which I know is not a replacement for Christmas, but a celebration of culture.
So that was partly PC and only mildly insulted the religion I grew up with. I should totally be in PR (oh wait, I sortof am. . .)
And as further proof that you wish you worked where I do, please observe the following video below:
Merry Happy Tra-la-la, folks. Keep it in the family. (I don't know what I mean by that either, really. It's Monday. )
So recently this Aquatic Cousin returned from San Francisco where I spent Halloween visiting with Empty Chair Cousin (or Best Dancer Cousin). We had a splendid adventure which included the commandeering of a Fauxconut for the afore mentioned cousin. We had some spectacular meals my favorite being the brunch we had at Foreign Cinema.
We saw the Dirty Pro's at Bimbo's and danced the night away! The Aquatic Cousins saw them at ACL aka Mud Fest 09, but they were way better at a smaller indoor venue.
The highlight of my Halloween was the Pre-Halloween party we hosted at Empty Chair Cousin's apartment it gave everyone the chance to test out their costumes and we had quite the turnout. It was a hit thanks to the loot we scored from Tartine Bakery! Yum!
Actual Halloween was a most magical adventure comprised of walks, party hopping and dancing with strangers dressed as the Iceman and Maverick. I may or may not have carried around my own bottle of white wine toward the end of the night. . . ha.
Now home and broke I am trying to live more modestly *cough* so I had a girly dinner with Lana, Val, April and Jessica at Eastside Cafe. Alana and I shared Ruby Trout in a ginger cream and mushroom sauce! It was delicious and I would recommend it to anyone! Alana and I then traveled back over to my hood and went to a house party thrown by Ginger Lauren a good friend of AC2. The party was a hit. . .for many reasons. I like it because Worth and the crew showed unexpectedly, AC2 liked it because there were men doing Martial Arts...
We both enjoyed the jello shots and drunk Alana!
The next night the Aquatic Cousins ventured to Spider House to get "work" done and then into downtown Austin. It was Peyton's birthday so we hit up 219 west and had some cake and cocktails. Afterward I may or may not have made my cousin go with to Lucky Lounge for some cheap doubles :D WoooHoo! From there it went downhill and. . .let's just leave it at that.
TIME FOR A VIDEO THAT IS COMPLETELY POINTLESS!
I feel refreshed! How about you?
So now that we have seen some squawking muppets do a rock opera, let's talk about the less talented Adam Lambert aka Glambert!
So we all know he is gay and was on American Idol right? Well apparently he decided to makeout with his keyboard player on stage (click on his name above to see the full video via Youtube.) at the American Music Awards- and well, it caused some backlash. Oh really like that wasn't planned! Well in any case, Diane Sawyer just said no to Glambert and cancelled his performance the following morning on Good Morning America. Isn't it a sad time when a boy can't kiss another boy on national television? Does anyone else remember a similar performance from a few years back? Madonna/ Brit-Brit/ Christina mackin' down to "Like a Virgin"?
Also a special thank you to all our service men and women on this fine holiday! Especially to the favorite Army man of the Aquatic Cousins, we will drink in your honor sir!
This is AC1 saying good luck to you during this holiday season, and remember you can't spell the word Families without the word LIES!
xx
** There will be more photos of the misc. adventures when blogger and the internet decide to like me again.
I am here today, readers fair, to implore those of you in the Austin area to consider coming out to Martial Way Academynext weekTHIS WEEK NOV 16-20TH for FREE CLASSES! and to help us meet some special goals as we drift ever-closer to that magical time of year (before the time of year where you cry over your credit card bills and wonder why you bought so many presents for your undeserving relatives and boring co-workers).
I will be there, hopefully four times- a lofty goal considering my insane schedule- to participate in the Kick-a-Thon and to donate some money for a student who came down with Guillian-Barre' syndrome a few weeks ago and nearly died from it. Take it from me, this lady is AWESOME and I wanna be like her when I grow up- she does push-ups on her knuckles and I'm still doing the girly kind on my knees (damn my trick ankle. . .yes I'm seventy-five). It's also a great example of what a fantastic little family I'm so glad to have become a part of at Martial Way- how many other places do you think would help raise money for a student's medical bills? It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and less cynical.
There's also a sweet Thanksgiving Special going with a few slots left, if you decide you like your free class and would like to sign up for a two-month commitment. I did a similar program over the summer and got hooked. I've even gone so far as to purchase my very own Thai kickboxing pads that live in the back of Lafayette* and confuse many passengers.
Moral of the Blog-Post Story: Think kind thoughts and come out to Martial Way if you're so inclined, if just to burn off some calories before eating an entire pie on Thanksgiving.
ALSO-ALSO: You can SPONSOR ME in the Kick-a-Thon for something like a nickel a kick. We're aiming for a thousand a class! I'll post my results here.
ETA: Wednesday class 750 kicks. Not too bad! Thursday class 1064 kicks- putting the week's total at 1814
-AC2
*Lafayette is the name of my Ford Edge; he was thusly named for the party in his cupholders (or the ambient lighting feature in the interior; this does not mean I condone drinking and driving). I felt Lafayette the character from True Blood and the Charlene Harris Southern Vampire series would approve.
Aquatic Pal Val, Moi, Aquatic Cousin 1. 
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