Father time is a bastard.

I started writing this at least a week ago and never finished, probably because of the mac n' cheese. Enjoy? -AC2

So, two things: I've met my Internet Soulmate and also we've actually had a request for more cat posts.

My attempt at MS Paint artwork. Mrow.

You guys should really pester AC1 to update with photos from the Cousin Bachelorette Weekend: Cousins Take On College Station (and meet a fifteen-year-old-who-looks-like-Rupert-Grint's-double in a bar) because otherwise this blog is probably just going to devolve into pictures of my cats and nothing else. I know, Dear Readership of Five, that this will disappoint you. And then it will just be me reading my own posts.

You did a good job, Sarah! Chin up!

I don't know that I would actually use the phrase "chin up" with myself but then I've been at work for ten hours and haven't eaten dinner yet and the macaroni and cheese just smells so good right now. . .what was I talking about?

Oh right. My Internet Soulmate.

As a prolific reader and procrastinator, I found Hyperbole and a Half and immediately set myself to reading the entire archives when I should have been doing things like working and sleeping. I sent the conversation Allie had with her boyfriend about him killing Phineus, her dream pet unicorn, to my boyfriend because it sounded like a conversation we would have.

T: I stopped reading after the part he said having a unicorn dream 'sounds awesome'. Nobody would say that. She made that up.

I may have to reevaluate our relationship.

Also: CATS!





























My name is Wilford Brimley, and I have DIABEETUS.

You're welcome.

Also-Also: Questions? Comments? Concerns? I think you know how that little box below works. Get in it.

-AC2

Stick up for yourself, son. Nevermind what anybody else done.

This entry features a lot of disjointed thoughts that more or less come together in the end. You're welcome.

Since I'm not terribly hip (I know, completely contrary to appearances, right?) I nearly always get my music passed along from my much cooler friends.

This morning I decided to develop the concept of "Positivity Tuesday" when I failed to get up at 5:30am to work on The Thesis of Doom and instead went back to sleep when the pets of the BDH swarmed on me with nefarious intentions of cuddling, en masse (there are two of them). At least I didn't oversleep like yesterday when my alarm failed to go off! See? Positivity Tuesday.

(At least I am well-rested!. . .Okay I know. I can stop now. But I probably won't. Donuts are good for you because they make you happy! Now you try.)

I'm also living vicariously through the song "Holiday" by Dizzee Rascal as a means to imagine myself in some sort of dysfunctional relationship wherein a man I hardly know pays for me to travel to exotic locals with only a bikini and my passport (which I should probably find in case I suddenly come upon such an offer this weekend). I have a good imagination! Positivity Tuesday.

But my true anthem as of late has been this little gem by Yeasayers, introduced to me by the glorious work bestie Elyse:

Ambling Alp.
My favorite bit of the lyrics are towards the end (I know there are names for sections of song but I've had too much caffeine to remember them right now).

Now the world can be an unfair place at times
But your lows will have their compliment of highs
And if anyone should cheat you
Take advantage of or beat you raise your head
And wear your wounds with pride

Because my thesis beats me. BUT I WILL WEAR MY WOUNDS WITH PRIDE, THESIS. I WILL WEAR THEM WITH PRIDE.

-AC2

And give me any motivational music recs you may have, in the comments. I need more to survive. I can only listen to these two songs on repeat so many times before I get tired of them and go back to listening to Ace of Base/The Spice Girls exclusively.

Whatever they drank in Ancient China probably would make a man out of you.

From the keyboard of AC2, at 3:00am on a Saturday/Sunday.

So, being the huge nerd that I am I was obviously perusing Cousin Mabry's (Salsa Dancing Cousin? Is that the name we came up with for you? I don't remember. It's 3am and I'm sober.) books on poetry she had checked out from her local, Colorado library, looking for suitable wedding wordage, before the lot of us headed out for her Cousin Bachelorette in College Station.

My favorite of the books? Definitely Bartlett's Poems for Occasions. There are poems in there for just about every occasion, probably including 'becoming a woman'. My favorite, however, was a poem from ancient China entitled "Drinking Alone with the Moon". The text is as follows (and is possibly even better than my epic love poem I Love You More Than Socks):

Drinking Alone with the Moon

From a pot of wine among the flowers
I drank alone. There was no one with me-
Till, raising my cup, I asked the bright moon
To bring me my shadow and make us three.
Alas, the moon was unable to drink
And my shadow tagged me vacantly;
But still for a while I had these friends
To cheer me through the end of spring. . .
I sang. The moon encouraged me.
I danced. My shadow tumbled after.
As long as I knew, we were boon companions.
And then I was drunk, and we lost one another.
. . .Shall goodwill ever be secure?
I watched the long road of the River of Stars.

Li Po
Chinese (701-762)
Translated by Witter Bynner

I don't remember what official occasion that was filed under, but if you find yourself having the occasion of being emo and drunk while alone, then this is certainly the poem for you! Pretty much when I read it I just imagine characters from Mulan stumbling around so blind drunk they can't find their own shadow. I'll make a man out of youuuu!

The promised photos of the Cousin Bachelorette, etc, will have to wait until AC1's return from glorious Costa Rica where she is currently vacationing while I hold down the fort at the BDH. Whence she returns I'll force her to upload all photos recently gathered so we can live vicariously through her. Unless you're on vacation too. Then I'm not sure whether to be flattered that you're reading this on your vacation or chastise you for not going outside. GO OUTSIDE. Unless you're sunburned. Then get you some aloe vera gel, and not with any lotion in it either. Trust me. I'm really pale and I know my shit.

Anyway, in the meantime I can post photos of me coding my thesis in crayon (the things I do to get myself to work, seriously) and you can. . .not be jealous of that at all, really.

Let's get down to business
To defeat the Huns*
Did they send me daughters
When I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch
I ever met
But you can bet
Before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man
out of you. . .

Sing it with me now. (That one's for you, Derek Todor.)

-AC2

*In this rendition, substitute "Huns" with "Thesis" except that really fucks up the rhyming scheme. I'll work on it.

Aquatic Cousins Take on Shasta Tiki Punch

The Aquatic Cousins took on Family Times in small town rural Texas this weekend and. . .are really tired now. But we wanted to share with you the following reaction video to the wonders of Shasta Tiki Punch. By 'wonders' we mean 'you're probably going to die'.



Further updates on College Station Cousin Bachelorette to follow, including the fifteen-year-old we met in a bar who was born in 1994, looked like Rupert Grint and kept calling me ma'am. No one should be allowed to make me feel so old at the age of 24.

-AC2

I love Jesus but I drink a little.

The Aquatic Cousins have a lot to bring you, and that does not include excuses or unfulfilled promises. So while we are away in the great wild lands of Small Town, Texas this weekend involved in family shenanigans (which we will of course document for your entertainment), we leave you with one of our very favorite people to fill the lonely hours in the meantime.

Her name is Gladys Hardy and she's a regular caller on the Ellen Degeneres show. AC2 has had the wonderful priviledge of speaking to Gladys on the phone and if ever you needed a better rec of AC2's character, Gladys called her a peach and reminded her to eat some yogurt while she was taking her antibiotics so that. . .well, nevermind.



Ladies, just don't forget. Gladys is a woman of marvelous advice.

You can find more videos of her talking with Ellen on either Ellen's site, or that magical entity known as YouTube.

Keep on keepin' on.

-AC2

Feel the burn. . .no, not that kind. Go to the doctor for that.

Feel your New Year's commitment to exercise already starting to wane? (If you weren't one of those people diving back into the chips and ice cream on January 15th, that is.)

Never fear. The Aquatic Cousins are here for you, with a source of workout material not far from an eternally overflowing spring of sensory overload. . .because basically that's what it is.

You're welcome.

-AC2

February 15th is Half-Price Chocolate Day.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY FROM THE AQUATIC COUSINS!!!

"Love is like a snowmobile, racing across the tundra when suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -Matt Groening

I'm posting this a bit early, in case you're also celebrating the Chinese New Year (we're going from the Year of the Ox to the Year of the Tiger- which, coincidentally, AC2 is an Ox and AC1 a Tiger) on Sunday along with any Hallmark Holidays on your horizon. Either way I figure you'll be drunk, so I might as well post this now. I could actually be drunk right now, as there was an ice-luge-sculpture in my office this morning and they were giving out shots of Patron, but I am apparently responsible.

If this is your Sunday, you're either more culturally diverse than me, or you have a rich husband.

Or, you know, trying to get them to hire me full-time and I figure barfing up my coffee and bagels in the kitchen in front of everyone is not really the way to go. Plus I was on a natural high from having won 2nd place in our office Valentine's Poetry Contest. As a special treat, I've included the text below. You're welcome.

I Love You More Than Socks: An Epic Love Poem
By Sparker, Age 24.

I love you more than I love socks
For you I would eat rocks
While you were eating steak

I love you more than I love shoes
I would need more than booze
If our love you did forsake

I love you more than Cheetos
Nothing really rhymes with Cheetos
I think because they're orange

I love you more than naps
And really cool bear traps
That I've seen on the TV

I love you more than outer space
And were you gone without a trace
Well, that would be the end to me

I love you more than peanut butter
Honey, I SWEAR, there isn't any other
Do you believe me now?

I mean. . .

Indeed it is so true, for me there's only you-
Here, I got you this ShamWow.

I know, right? That's pretty special. I personally illustrated some Valentines I'm mailing out to friends/family/internet strangers last night as well:

I should totally be an illustrator.

Anyway, I think that's enough Valentine's well-wishing for you. Go learn about neuroscience or something (CAUTION: contains pictures of cats. What. I got it from her. Don't look at me.)

-AC2