Monday, May 24, 2010

Wake up in the morning feeling like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

From the desk of AC2, Sparker.

Life has been kindof a total shitshow recently. I will give you the briefest of summaries and promise that this post, at least, will have a happy conclusion because it is not in the nature of either Aquatic Cousin to be depressive for long. We embrace, we deal, we move on. We tell the internet about it in the interim.

I would first like to have a moment of silence for the sudden and terrible loss of one Mr. Marmalade "Kitten" Jib-Sheet Parker Hansen. A true Aquatic Pet who loved getting in the shower and putting weird shit in his water bowl, he is deeply missed.

Here's to you, my orange fur-child. May you Scuba Cat in peace for all of eternity.

For the inevitable question: I will probably adopt another cat- stray or shelter- in a few months. There is no way I could do that now. Poor Mr. Kitten was not yet 5 years old and I mourn his giraffe patches and deluded "ability" to climb walls. He also enjoyed whiskey*, so pour one out for your orange homie.

My purse was recently stolen also- and although this mostly is an occasion in which you curse the badness of people around you and possibly your own stupidity, mostly you just revel in what a pain in the ass it is to replace everything you own of vital importance. Including your prescription glasses. (I hope the bastard who stole my shit is really blind and likes ten-year outdated Calvin Klein frames.)

This did, however, also give me the opportunity to get some new frames that are too hip for me AND I found the perfect company to give my hard-earned money to: Warby Parker. Why they are awesome:
  • Buy a pair and they give a pair to someone in need
  • Affordable as hell: $95 for frames and prescription lenses; only $30 more if you're blind as I am and require high-index lenses (so $125 for frames AND lenses, still)
  • Shipping included (check out the Free Pledge)
  • Return shipping and exchanges included
  • You can have several frames sent to your home for try-on. For free. And return them. For free.
  • Digital try-ons if you're of the instant-gratification sort
  • Just look how fucking hip they all are
So: found the silver lining there and I'm excited about that, obviously. GO BUY SOME GLASSES. Or a monocle.

(The ones I chose. The monocle. Only $50.)

In other news, I am currently drafting up a boyfriend application for myself and AC1 since we seem to have dubious luck with men. What sort of questions should we include? I am thinking an initial response to Allie Brosh's Guide to Relationships would be a fantastic indicator of their ability to handle our individual as well as collective awesomeness. Also definitely the following questions:

A pretty accurate depiction of my daily thought process.
Art by Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half.

Preliminary Questions:
  1. On a scale of 1-10, how romantic would you find the gift of a unicorn serenade in your inbox? (Note: the only correct answer is 7 or above.)
  2. Imagine I were to gain a little extra badonk-a-donk. How would you celebrate this?
  3. You have the choice of purchasing me one of the following gifts for my birthday. Which one(s) do you choose? A) God jewelery from James Avery. B) A gift certificate to clone Satan Cat. C) Regretsy Fuck Yeah Level 4 mug, in the stainless steel commuter style. D) A boxed set, collector's edition of Twilight. E) A boxed set, collector's edition of The Dresden Files. F) All of the above. G) Both A&G. H) All but A&G. I) Never B because The Universe would implode. J) socks
  4. Can you cope with being associated/involved with a family to rival that of Arrested Development?
  5. Short Essay Question: What does it mean to wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy?
Automatic Disqualifactions include:
  1. Currently being in a coma
  2. Non-ironic ownership and/or wear of Ed Hardy/Affliction items
  3. Belief that the movie Troy was historically accurate
  4. Belief that Sarah Palin is a legitimate presidential candidate/should be respected for her work in the realm of feminism
  5. Disbelief in the magic and wonder of unicorns
I think that's a good working draft. Feel free to leave your contributions in the comments below.


*No I was not an abusive pet-owner. I put my whiskey down once to apply makeup, and found the cat licking the ice cubes. . .while it was still full of whiskey. I took it away from him. I didn't even want to find out how expensive cat-rehab was.

ETA: A fun cousin adventure! I promised you one of those. Here's a sneak peek photo. This particular adventure deserves an entry of its own, methinks. ANTICIPATE.


  1. question number three on the boyfriend application confuses me. i mean, first of all, lol at option A. second of all, if your potential boyfriend was a REALLY good boyfriend, he would know that the best possible gift would be Toseland or any of the others on The List, duh. and he would be selfless enough to procure that (that? him?) for you. obviously. third, answer G is "A&G" which.. is god jewelry, and.. itself. or maybe G is a reference to God for God Jewelry. for your birthday, i am buying you the letter G. lastly, answer I is inaccurate, because having a certificate to clone Satan Cat wouldn't do shit to the universe; it's just a certificate. however, ACTUALLY cloning Satan Cat might truly do it. alas.

    how about some socks instead?

    (site note: captcha was "STAIN". what are you saying??)

  2. I don't control Captcha. Captcha controls itself. Or maybe Gaia controls it.

    Option G was a mistype. . .OR WAS IT?!