Friday, June 18, 2010

Oh what a knight. (TERRIBLE PUN.)

From the desk of AC2, Sparker.


Occasionally we are too busy living life or merely trying to survive it with enough sanity at the end of the day to not shave my cat in order to see if the spots are really on her skin and not just her fur like the Wikipedia article says. . .you get the point.

That doesn't mean you don't get stories! See how we positively spoil you.

*Ahem* Once upon a time, outside of Austin, there lived a bootleg Ren-Fair called the Sherwood Forrest Faire (you know it's historically authentic if they try to make it look like it's spelled in Olde English, nevermind most people who work there probably never finished high school let alone The Canterbury Tales). The Aquatic Cousins along with Aquatic Friend Val decided to brave the wilds of this mud-strewn ground in order to pay too much money for the bottles of Yellow Tail that would be necessary to listen to the idiotic ramblings of the weird men who would inevitably try to talk to them.

I wasn't lying about the Yellow Tail. That shit was necessary.

Val went for the Heineken.

AC1 went for the LSD-laced turkey legs. Kidding. They were actually laced with PCP.

You would have wished for barrels of drugs, preferably something to sedate you but not too much because. . .well, you're about to find out. Because someone was there. Someone who found the movie Troy to be historically accurate. Someone who spray tans and probably does P90X while snorting protein powder off that mirror that comes in the Pretty Pretty Princess game.

Whom do I speak of? Oh. I speak of him. (No, not Jesus.)


We were so bored we ended up playing Truth or Dare and basically acting like the 13-year-olds that Yellow Tail, Heineken and PCP-laced turkey legs will revert you back to. And so we met these dudes (he had a friend who was at the same level of spray-tan and historically inaccurate costumery) because I was dared to poke them in the abs, which was a bad idea because then I got sandwich-raped while trying not to spill my wine. PRIORITIES. My faith in humanity was restored because a stranger rescued my wine and held it for me.

While this man has been promised to me by both Cousin-Love and Val, I want you to know that at least Val is not alone as she also found her One True Love at the Bootleg Ren-Faire- The Fantastic Mr. Fox.

This dude definitely goes to some Furry conventions.

This dude is authentic. If AC1 wants him, she'll have to fight Jpatt*.

I don't know that I can really follow up the story of my sandwich rape with anything much better- AC1 was whipped by a woman dressed as god-only-knows-what-but-she-had-a-whip and I tried to make Val try on some ridiculous nearly-non-existent costume but there was no changing room and we weren't cruel enough to make her go along with the saleswench's suggestion that Val just "pop into the kitchen; no one will look". I think she also may have suggested an empty stage as a changing room.

The kitchen thing has to violate at least one health code regulation. Of the PCP-laced turkey legs.

Oh god. The end.


*Jpatt is an Aquatic Friend from AC2's dorm days; she has a fascination with llamas and her plan to christen one Drama Llama and have him appear whenever anyone is fighting by yelling "DRAMA!" (he'll come when he hears his name called, you see) only he'll be dressed like Liberace and he'll be so ridiculous that everyone will forget what they were upset and fighting about- that shit could bring world peace.

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